I was quite sure when my father handed me a packet of tissue papers yesterday, saying, "You would need it later," he didn't think that I would be using them to wipe away my tears.

Time and again I struggle with myself, trying to pick myself up a failure after another. I pride myself for being determined. Never once have I gave up, thinking that I am just not good enough, maybe it is meant to be or I am just not that smart. I have always believed that if I have absolutely no trust in myself to do well, no faith and not proud of myself, nobody else would.

Many people feel afraid just when they are about to embark on something new, even when they are excited about it before. I know because I'm experiencing it now.

I was looking forward to go to James Cook to do psychology, but after the 2nd day of orientation, I started to get cold feet. I felt unsure of my choice. I mean I was or always have been a science student and for me to change and go do an art subject now, I wasn't sure if I am able to handle it. Moreover, one of the main reason why I applied to James Cook was because it was my safety net. At James Cook, I was able to attain a reputable psychology degree. So, when the thought that I was supposed to go to school on Monday hit me. I was actually quite lost. I wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted.

I spent the most of today with my mum. It was actually really enjoyable. Anyway, it reminded me of why I wanted to do psychology when I was a child. I have always craved for a normal mother-daughter relationship just like anyone else. It may come as a shock, but my mother is actually suffering from mild depression. She is unable to control her emotions or even her actions from time to time. I wanted to or want to understand her better, thats why I want to do psychology.

I was at church today, WITHOUT SAM. The pastor was saying that sometimes when we pray we feel as though we are actually praying to a wall. Nothing happens. Kinda like, your prayers are not answered. But it's not true because God is interested in every detail in our lives no matter how small.

What I am trying to say is that, I believe that God is interested in every mundane detail of our lives. My prayers when I was a child, did not fall on deaf ears, even though no miracle happened and my mum didn't get well. I didn't have a childhood a normal child would have. But now by a series of bad luck (not getting into local unis), I am able to read psychology at James Cook. I would be able to understand my mother better. Aren't my prayers answered now? So, like what your pastors will tell you, God has a reason for allowing things to happen the way they do. Maybe the reason why your prayers are not answered is because the time is not right or maybe God is preparing you for something bigger (auntie jenny always tells me that whenever I encounter any hardship).

So have faith people. And I think Sam is no longer the reason why I am attending church. Maybe I am able to say I want to commit myself entirely to God soon. We shall see.

there are more to tragedies than what they appear to be. on the surface, yes i agree, it seems all so sad. you know the kind of circumstances that you wold pity the people in it but at the same time you thank God every moment that you are not in the same position. however, tragedies in my opinion are only tragic when you continuously dwell on the outcome and not the journey. i am aware of how unfeeling i sound.

chinese have this saying " tian xia mei you bu san de yan si" which means that all good things would always come to an end. and in these tragedies, the end is usually fast approaching. though some faster than others. but, it is precisely because of the presence of these approaching endings that allow us to take some time off and reflect on what we have and are about to lose. in a way of another, it is an experience that allows us to mature and grow. plainly speaking, they are just part and parcel of life.

What matters most is how we handle these tragedies. I vaguely remember a general paper essay topic, "Tragedies brings out the best in man. Comment," it does! It reminds us that there is still humanity in this world.

tragedy on a smaller scale, a tragedy in the family can prove to be a blessing in disguise. it brings the family closer together than ever because now, all of us are fighting against a common cause, be it to prevent the lost of something or someone you all hold close to your hearts. and si, kinship within the family is renewed. you see your once upon a time really close siblings, parents and relatives more often now. you are able to relive what you could only reminisce in the past. and despite the fact that the dateline is fast approaching,i believe that you have gained more than you may lose. you have once again found love. it is better to have enjoyed a short life than to live a hard long life.

God allows things to happen for a reason, and more often than not, it is for our benefit. I guess if we do not focus too much on our own feelings or the upsetting events, we might actually see things from another angle, a brighter angle.

We cannot blame anyone for who we eventually turn out to be. Not our family or our peers, only ourselves. Yes, I agree that some do grow up, or grew up rather in dysfunctional families or under bad influences. But, ultimately everyone matures and would be able to tell the difference between right and wrong. Thus, we make informed choices, fully aware of the consequences that are in stored for us when we take that wrong step. This I think society ( By this I refer to television or any form of media for that matter, has made it very clear to us. I think society's guidelines are more or less in tune with what most religions preach. Well, at the very least in Singapore) has made it very clear to us. Thus, we are well aware of how we should behave.

However, that having said, I also believe that we learn from examples. Especially from people we respect and look up to. And at times, it may be disappointing to realize that the people that we actually depend on to be our role models are not that fabulous. Like all humans, they make mistakes. Then, like what I said in the previous paragraph, it is up to us to make our choices, to follow in the same footsteps or to create our own path. We should have the courage to do whatever is right, morally and socially so, and not to follow blindly onto the wrong path. But, more often than not, we stay in our comfort zone, unwilling to move an inch to do what needs to be done. Because, we have an example for reference when we follow onto the same path, instead of creating our own, having witnessed it for ourselves from our so called role models. Harming no one else, but ourselves.

It is a vicious cycle really. What these people need is someone to be there, offering them support when they try to steer themselves in the correct direction. Someone to say, " Yes, I know. I understand. You cannot give up now. You can do it." Just someone to believe in them.

Trust me. I would know. I know how it feels like to realize, all of a sudden, your role model is not what you expect them to be. I know how it feels like to be all lost and not knowing who you can follow. I know how it feels like to need to talk to someone, have them believe in you, trust you. I also know how it feels like to distract yourself to run away from facing your problems. I do. I knew it since I was seven. Fortunately, I did not only have someone, I had plenty who went out of their way to try and help me. Unfortunately, I was too much a proud person to accept help or too broken to allow someone to help me, that I still do not know. But thankfully, I have myself to depend on. Me, a person that I can always count on.

Here is something for you to chew on.
1. Are you following some one's footsteps blindly?
2. Are you portraying the right kind of example for thoes that look up to you?
3. Are you reaching out to thoes dear to you that need your faith in them?

I'm upset. I really am.

I cannot help but to feel that I am freaking dumb or wsome sort. I mean. isnt that the reason why i didnt mak it in to loacl unis? that i am not good enough. thats what they tell me on my rejection letter. Competition is tough, it is as good as, you are not good enough for us. even if others may say that oh, they take other stuff into consideration, it just means that, as a person, i am also not desirable enough for them to accept me. like they dont want me at all, not at all. to the extend that they rather take in people whom fucking failed their GP rather than me.

I cant stand it. i really cannot. i might just stay at home from now on.

'Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till its over
If it takes forever I want you to know..'

-Save you by Simple Plan.


Sometimes, it just sucks when you see someone upset and yet, you remain helpless, clueless as to how you can ease their pain.

I hate it when that happens to me. For that reminds me of what i have yet to accomplish, for the fact that seeing someone upset makes me upset too, and it hurts all the more when the person is someone close to me.

And yet, somehow, i cherish the times when I can offer my shoulder to cry on, for that small act, makes me feel so blessed, so useful.

How do you actually define beauty? Based on something as superficial as looks, or something else with more substance?

Well, here is what I think of beauty. I think the old cliche term, ' Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder' says it all. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I cannot help but just stare at Sam. Like gawk my eyes out looking at him. I admit, he may not be what you would call good looking. But to me. He is beautiful. No one else would be able to carry off the small eyes, geeky specs as well as he can. Does it matter if he has like 6/8 pacs? No. He looks good with one huge family pac. Even his blemishes are a reason why he looks so appealing to me. See, get what I mean by the old cliche saying is spot on, on what I think of beauty?

Anyway, I don't think the saying only applies to like your other halves. It applies to all your friends and family members as well. I mean, think of it this way. Don't all your friends seem imperfectly perfect to you?

For instance, I had just told June her bangs don't really complement her face. But, on second thoughts, she actually looks alright with it. Because she is who she is. She is my friend. No matter what, she still looks perfect. And on top of it, she has the confidence to carry off the bangs. And Cass, well, she is a little on the rounder side. But she is well, perfect to me. She is a huge bundle of joy, literally. Actually, I am not exactly sure if she would look as cute stick thin.

I guess when you have a relationship, any relationship at all. It is important to accept the imperfections of your friends, family, boyfriend, girlfriend as well. ( Well, in my opinion, its these little imperfections that make them so perfect.) Because, if you cannot accept these flaws, you cannot even call yourselves friends. You are nothing more than mere acquaintances.

So, only call yourself my friend if you have tolerated my nonsense (I know I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. I'm so sorry for what you all have to go through.) and still love me anyway.

life is full of bittersweet moments, dont you agree?

i mean, think about it. there would surely be a time where something had happened in your life that made you feel happy, but at the same time, you get that nagging feeling inside you that somehow, the moment isnt as perfect as you thought it was.

okay, take for example, you seeing a friend/sibling get a really cool gift(make it something that you really want too, maybe a louwe bag? haha). wont you feel happy for that person? unless you're like some unfeeling, cold hearted person, then yeah, maybe this post wouldnt be for you then. but at the same time as you feel happy for that person, wont you, and be truthful on this, feel a tinge of jealousy at how you didnt get it?

so, you see my point.

i hope this post made sense, cos its already 1130 in the evening, my brain has officially started to go on standby.







written by : sam.

There are two ways where you can react to bad news.

1. Cry as if your world has crashed and burned.

2. Take it in your stride and move on.

I'm done crying.

Or am I?

we are all self-centred. do you realise that? what ever little things you do starts with an i. i want to eat sushi tei for dinner. i want to watch angels and demons. even if sometimes, it isnt as literal as this.

well, i do things, mainly because, thats what i want to do. for instance, i have been volunteering at marine parade family service centre for almost 3/4 months now. the reason i enjoy volunteering and am volunteering is because, i enjoy being there. i feel gratified after each lesson. like oohh i have done some good deed. but see, this is what i realise. i didnt see the need to volunteer because the elderly in marine parade needed a cyber guide. they needed a person to close the gap between them and their children, grandchildren. no i didnt.

yesterday at sam's church, they were talking bout allowing God to lead your life. doing stuff that God wants you to do instead of what you want to do. hm.

i guess what im trying to say is that, if we ( or rather i ) do not put ourselves as the main character of our own lives, maybe we would be able to discover what God wants us to do.

okay, i know. this is highly out of character for me. to blog bout God and stuff.

you know, the typical happy endings in story books and movies are exactly why the reason we read/ watch them. and we watch/ read them, to give ourselves of that little hope that you know, maybe one day in our own pathetic lives, we might have a happy ending. that is why, regardless of how many times that stupid same/ similar plot has been used, you wouldnt mind. you would still read/ watch it.



wheres my happy ending?

for like the past the past 5 months, i have been hooked on the Harry Dresden Files series ( thanks to PeterPoh). in the series, there is this group of characters that are the white court vampires. they are pretty interesting, instead of feeding on human blood like normal vampires ( red/black court ), they feed on humans' emotions. like lust, fear, hunger so forth. they are actually the most human like vampires, they do not like being violent unlike you know, normal vampires, so instead of fighting physically, they scheme and plot. terrifying huh.

but on second thoughts, aren't we all like that? we thrive on others' misfortune, unhappiness and fear ( okay maybe not thrive, that would be exaggerating ). we laugh at our friends when they fall, sometimes when they fail a certain test or exam, their embarrassment when they have done something stupid, etc ( or at least i do ), enjoy watching reality TV because they torment the contestants. for instance, fear factor and the one with the suitcase and hot women ( i can't remember what it i called ), we watch it because we want to watch the reactions of the contestants. it gives us some kind of satisfaction. i don't know why. maybe because we are all born sadistic in nature.

more often than not, we usually tend to forget to regard the feelings of the person that we are laughing at, especially if its our friend(s). i mean those on the reality TV programmes just deserve it, no one asked them to join it. it was their decision to make. ( ha ha. too bad. ) not everyone won't mind being laugh at ( like me ), some tend to be more sensitive than others. and even though, they mind not say it out loud, like "HEY! THAT ISN'T NICE.", i think as friends, we should, i don't know, know our limits? i know its fun to laugh at someone. and constantly remind them of what kinda stupid act they have done. but being the victim most of the times, i know that sometimes, its just way over the line. and not fucking funny.

what makes us different from the white court vampires then? nothing really.

time to time as we recount, we would revisit fond memories and of course, unpleasant ones as well. and as we recount those unpleasant memories, we ( or i at the very least ) would wonder how would life be exactly? if i had not made a certain choice or walked down a certain path. followed closely behind, i would feel the regret over my actions or inaction as so to speak.

but truly, do we actually regret over the things that we have done or failed to do? i mean, if we do regret, then maybe, maybe we would have made amendments for our own actions. to make up for what we have done. to apologise, to do what we should have done ( better late than never ), etc. and the fact that we do not. we leave things as they are, can only mean one thing. we don't regret over our own actions, inaction at all. we can come up with excuses, its been such a long while, that episode is already over, its time to move on. but seriously, we are only deluding ourselves. thus, it only leaves me with 2 conclusions. either a, you don't regret at all, or b, you are living in your own world of lies you have made up of to make yourself feel at ease.

i believe in second chances. because you can always make up for what you have done.

i don't regret, because if i do, i have already done something about it.

life throws you surprises in all kind of wierd ways. dont you agree? tho, you would always end up alive after each and every battle ( i mean that is what that matters right? ), you would be all tattered and chewed up all over. thats just how we grow, isnt it? mature and develop as a strong minded person ( or at least thats where all our goal should be).

am i a strong person, both mentally and physically? Would i be able to handle whatever life throws at me. i dont think so. in fact, i think that i am very much a coward when it comes to like facing problems. i enjoy running away, hiding behind that fake smile that i always wear. and from time to time, i realise that, that can only be a distraction from whatever im facing. when the distraction is gone, i would be all miserable all over again. then, like a vicious cycle, it starts all over again.

what am i going to do bout it now that i know? know that im a coward. nothing. because running from my problems have long ago been a part of my life, in my comfort zone. and it would take a miracle for me to face up to them.

having said so, being a strong person is still my goal.