was that a tinge of jealous i felt just now?
maybe not.

omg.
i miss cassandra loads. like totally. i totally miss her sitting beside me in class and irritating me by tapping her fingers or her feet cause she is so bored. raahhh. oh wells.

chui waiyin. i will think twice before running with you at night again.
1. its damn scary.
2. when u pick up speed, i dare not lag too far behind BECAUSE ITS SCARY.
3. u torture me.
but i clocked 2 km today already! yippy. 6km left this week!

OKAY. IM GG BACK TO DO ECONS ESSAY. yikes!

something i saw today got me thinking.

i was a the interchange today, waiting for the bus to my gran's. there i saw a middle aged woman looking at her newly bought pair of faux diamond ear rings. then, i thought to myself. will i be contented if i were her? or would i want more than just that? if a girl like me, at my age. thinks that, no that is not enough. where's the quality in life like this? then. i dont know what. neither am i fit to coment on others lives. but i know, i wont want to live like that.

am i to be blamed for being so materialistic? i dont know.

my next question was. how am i go about achiving the life that i want? a life in comfort and luxury? yes, marry a rich man. but where will i put my pride, spending someone else's money? no. i wont want that. i wont want to be dependent on someone else. like no. so that leaves me with the only route, that is to study hard, get a place in uni, then find a high paying job. right, end of story.

but what if. what if. i dont achive what i set out to do? i wont be able to give my parents the kind of life they have given me. the best. the best of their mights. making sure that i have everything other kids have and sometimes even better. i would want to give them the life they have given me, or even better. but what if things dont go out the way i want them to? they will have to suffer with me throught out their old age wont they? having wasted all their resources on me, when they could have saved for old age. how, then?

so its finally over. ** a huge sigh of relief.

well we are national 6th. one point away from nationals top 4 tho. and we so rock. with elvis and suzhen coming in 2nd. beating a nj boat. like wa!!!! this shows that. yes we all can do it. YEPP YEPP WE CAN!

this isnt the end tho. it marks a new beginning for us. we will have to train harder, run faster and paddle more. yes. we will and we will beat the rest. yepp.
WATCH TPJC CANOEING TEAM RISE!

&
yesterday was like a really moody day for me. totally pms-ing. i dno. i felt like i was treated like. oh wells i dno. yes. i think its because i was still brooding over the fact that. hey. i could have gotten into finals or put up a tougher fight. but i didnt. oh wells. its done. so yarh. im totally over it now. like totally. SERIOUSLY.

anyway. wednesday ended with a special treat.
COACH DECIDED TO LET US TRY ANY BOAT WE WANTED.
and guess what. i immediately went to grab my raptor. i miss it. like miss miss it. SERIOUSLY. haha. tho it still gives me hideous blueback marks on my thighs.
and i finally gotten to try the c boats. hmm. if the raptor was my first love, the c boat is my true love. HAHA. its super duper fun. and i think im quite zai. at least i got to drift out of the pontoon before i jump off. HAHA. my love. i hope to get on it soon again, keeping my fingers crossed**.
the senior guys used the k4. it was certainly wierd to see guys using the k4 instead of girls. i have to admit tho. they are good. well. maybe. i will get to do k4? haha. i dno. i. i. i think i would want to continue with my k1 1000 tho. come back as a stronger opponent next year. yepp. oh wells. whatever. i will come back as a stronger opponent in which ever event. i will. i will.

wait and see.

i could have. i seriously could.

i dont know. omg. i capped when i was rowing up to the thousand mark. and that is the WORSE thing to do just before your race. like WORSE WORSE. i was crying all the way up and down the race. and i stoned. i STONED. i didnt start moving till i saw. HEY. THE OTHER BOATS ARE MOVING. omg. seriously. how dumb can i get.
and i cried somemore when i got onshore.

OH WELLS.

i realised im really lucky to be in tpjc. and to hell with mjc and cjc. i like tpjc better. thank god my appeal didnt get through. i have really nice seniors.

thank you gifford.
you are deep. more than i thought what u were. thank you for showing me how lucky i am. thank you for consoling me. thank you for making me laugh. thank you.
thank you kiwi.
thank you for making my days. thank you for ct papers. thank you for teaching me math. thank you for being my punching bag. :)
thanks elvis.
thanks for encouraging me. i dont think i would have made it this far without your encouragement or without you pushing me.
thank you denise and weimin for teaching me bio. without your help, i wouldnt even have that 20 over percent.
i think what im trying to say is. thanks for everything. and im really lucky. i would seriously miss the seniors, all the seniors then they are gone. the team wouldnt be the same without you all.

omg. omg omg omg omg omg omg.
NATIONALS IS TMR.

WHAT IF.
I CAP?
I COME IN LAST.
I DONT EVEN FINISH THE RACE?
I FORGET TO REPORT?

what if?

tell me i wont. tell me i will make it to the finals. tell me. tell me i can. and that i will finish the race. tell me.

I WILL!!!



&
i saw him today, it doesnt make me feel any better. but much worse.

i need help. i think im suffering from some menal condition.
GOD. SAVE ME.