In my walk with God as a christian, I struggle a lot. Mostly because my faith is not strong enough and that I cannot stand the fact that christians just cannot stop evangelizing.

When my aunt was first diagnosed with cancer, I prayed, my family prayed. Everyone prayed for her to get well. The pastor says, "God heals". So, we carried on praying. Every single day, we prayed for a miracle. A month passes by, then a year. I have lost count. But nothing. NOTHING happened. I watched my aunt's health deteriorate day by day till 13 January when she passed on to be with the Lord.

I was, no still am angry and furious. Why. Why. Why take her away from us, God? Why didn't you come through and help us when we needed you the most? Where were you? Was my faith placed in the wrong God?

Dear Daddy,

The purpose of writing this email is not to trigger an argument with you. I just want you to understand how I look at things from my point of view, as a daughter and as a young adult.

Firstly, I understand your concerns over the overseas trip I proposed. I know that mum and you would be worried. And that I am your only daughter, if anything happens to me, you would be devastated. But, sometimes, I think you have to accept the fact that I am growing older, whether you like it or not. As much as I try not to make you and mum worried, I do need my space and freedom. In my 20 years, I never stayed overnight away from home, over at a friend's place or done anything outrageous or anything that would cause either of you excessively worried about me. Even when I want something, I would work hard to get it myself. I do not ask for anything more than my weekly allowance. So to be honest, I think you brought me up as a responsible, independent and resilient lady. Thus, I do not understand why you would be excessively worried about the overseas trip. And that maybe you should have more trust and faith in me in doing the right thing.

Maybe, you have forgotten how it is like to be young.

Times have changed Daddy, I do not think it is reasonable for you to say that you do not allow me to go because I have yet to be married just cause I am a girl and I cannot travel overseas without parental supervision. Actually, in my opinion, I think that is just a bad excuse.

I know that you are under a lot of stress because you have yet to find a job. And that your savings are dwindling away. You do not think that I should have any unnecessary expenses and give you unnecessary stress. But, I would be paying for my own trip. I toiled for these money Daddy, and all I have spent them on is on school fees and school books. Do you think you can just let me go and enjoy myself for 3 days?

As your daughter, I understand your concerns and constrains because you told me today. But you did not want to listen to what I had to say and I think as I grow older, I want to be heard. If you want me to understand things from your perspective, sometimes you should too, from mine.

Lastly, I just want to remind you that when I was young, you told me to treat you and talk to you as a friend to be open about everything. I think it works both ways. And I think I know why children lie to their parents. I think it is because parents are often unsupportive of their children's actions and shut off all forms of communications about the action because they do not want to hear anymore of it. Think of it this way, if you do not accept the fact that I have a boyfriend, you would not be able to find out what kind of person I spend my time with. Simply because I would not be able to talk to you about him. So, I think it works quite the same way.

Like I said, I do not wish to enter into an argument with you. I just want to let you know how I feel about things and of course hope that you would change your mind about your decision.

I know you love me daddy, and I do too. But, I am growing older. I can fend for myself. You do not have to be so protective towards me.

Thats all I have to say.

Oh and. Do not give up in looking for a job, persevere. Good things come to the people that work hard for it!

The past few months working at the airport has made me realised that life can be so carefree and simple if one is contented with what they have.

Despite the long hours and the lack of intellectual challenge (hm. to a certain extend, that is not true), I actually find working at the airport enjoyable. Of course, a huge part of it has to be credited to my co-workers for making my day.

I finally understand how important it is to feel contented with what one has instead of comparing or grumbling about what one do not have. With my father's forced retirement last year I understood the importance of money. And under immense pressure and stress at home, I was convinced that I would never be contented if I were not rich in the future. At a point of time, I even admitted to Cassandra that I would rather have rich people problems than poor people problems. I do not know if I am to be ashamed of myself.

However at church yesterday, the pastor asked us what are we going to bring to God in heaven. The pastor hoped that we would not bring money because heaven has no currency. And that is when I realised, it is what we do that define who we are and not how much money we make or what we wear. A foolish pursuit of money is not what I want out of my life. Frankly speaking, neither is a fancy degree.

I am a simple girl, all I want is to be happy. And being contented is en route to being happy. So maybe if I am contented with all that I have now instead of always wanting more, I would be less of a miserable person.

:))

I apologise if you think my ideas are all over the place. I have not written in a long time and it is evident in my writing as the ideas do not flow even to me.

I was quite sure when my father handed me a packet of tissue papers yesterday, saying, "You would need it later," he didn't think that I would be using them to wipe away my tears.

Time and again I struggle with myself, trying to pick myself up a failure after another. I pride myself for being determined. Never once have I gave up, thinking that I am just not good enough, maybe it is meant to be or I am just not that smart. I have always believed that if I have absolutely no trust in myself to do well, no faith and not proud of myself, nobody else would.

Many people feel afraid just when they are about to embark on something new, even when they are excited about it before. I know because I'm experiencing it now.

I was looking forward to go to James Cook to do psychology, but after the 2nd day of orientation, I started to get cold feet. I felt unsure of my choice. I mean I was or always have been a science student and for me to change and go do an art subject now, I wasn't sure if I am able to handle it. Moreover, one of the main reason why I applied to James Cook was because it was my safety net. At James Cook, I was able to attain a reputable psychology degree. So, when the thought that I was supposed to go to school on Monday hit me. I was actually quite lost. I wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted.

I spent the most of today with my mum. It was actually really enjoyable. Anyway, it reminded me of why I wanted to do psychology when I was a child. I have always craved for a normal mother-daughter relationship just like anyone else. It may come as a shock, but my mother is actually suffering from mild depression. She is unable to control her emotions or even her actions from time to time. I wanted to or want to understand her better, thats why I want to do psychology.

I was at church today, WITHOUT SAM. The pastor was saying that sometimes when we pray we feel as though we are actually praying to a wall. Nothing happens. Kinda like, your prayers are not answered. But it's not true because God is interested in every detail in our lives no matter how small.

What I am trying to say is that, I believe that God is interested in every mundane detail of our lives. My prayers when I was a child, did not fall on deaf ears, even though no miracle happened and my mum didn't get well. I didn't have a childhood a normal child would have. But now by a series of bad luck (not getting into local unis), I am able to read psychology at James Cook. I would be able to understand my mother better. Aren't my prayers answered now? So, like what your pastors will tell you, God has a reason for allowing things to happen the way they do. Maybe the reason why your prayers are not answered is because the time is not right or maybe God is preparing you for something bigger (auntie jenny always tells me that whenever I encounter any hardship).

So have faith people. And I think Sam is no longer the reason why I am attending church. Maybe I am able to say I want to commit myself entirely to God soon. We shall see.

there are more to tragedies than what they appear to be. on the surface, yes i agree, it seems all so sad. you know the kind of circumstances that you wold pity the people in it but at the same time you thank God every moment that you are not in the same position. however, tragedies in my opinion are only tragic when you continuously dwell on the outcome and not the journey. i am aware of how unfeeling i sound.

chinese have this saying " tian xia mei you bu san de yan si" which means that all good things would always come to an end. and in these tragedies, the end is usually fast approaching. though some faster than others. but, it is precisely because of the presence of these approaching endings that allow us to take some time off and reflect on what we have and are about to lose. in a way of another, it is an experience that allows us to mature and grow. plainly speaking, they are just part and parcel of life.

What matters most is how we handle these tragedies. I vaguely remember a general paper essay topic, "Tragedies brings out the best in man. Comment," it does! It reminds us that there is still humanity in this world.

tragedy on a smaller scale, a tragedy in the family can prove to be a blessing in disguise. it brings the family closer together than ever because now, all of us are fighting against a common cause, be it to prevent the lost of something or someone you all hold close to your hearts. and si, kinship within the family is renewed. you see your once upon a time really close siblings, parents and relatives more often now. you are able to relive what you could only reminisce in the past. and despite the fact that the dateline is fast approaching,i believe that you have gained more than you may lose. you have once again found love. it is better to have enjoyed a short life than to live a hard long life.

God allows things to happen for a reason, and more often than not, it is for our benefit. I guess if we do not focus too much on our own feelings or the upsetting events, we might actually see things from another angle, a brighter angle.

We cannot blame anyone for who we eventually turn out to be. Not our family or our peers, only ourselves. Yes, I agree that some do grow up, or grew up rather in dysfunctional families or under bad influences. But, ultimately everyone matures and would be able to tell the difference between right and wrong. Thus, we make informed choices, fully aware of the consequences that are in stored for us when we take that wrong step. This I think society ( By this I refer to television or any form of media for that matter, has made it very clear to us. I think society's guidelines are more or less in tune with what most religions preach. Well, at the very least in Singapore) has made it very clear to us. Thus, we are well aware of how we should behave.

However, that having said, I also believe that we learn from examples. Especially from people we respect and look up to. And at times, it may be disappointing to realize that the people that we actually depend on to be our role models are not that fabulous. Like all humans, they make mistakes. Then, like what I said in the previous paragraph, it is up to us to make our choices, to follow in the same footsteps or to create our own path. We should have the courage to do whatever is right, morally and socially so, and not to follow blindly onto the wrong path. But, more often than not, we stay in our comfort zone, unwilling to move an inch to do what needs to be done. Because, we have an example for reference when we follow onto the same path, instead of creating our own, having witnessed it for ourselves from our so called role models. Harming no one else, but ourselves.

It is a vicious cycle really. What these people need is someone to be there, offering them support when they try to steer themselves in the correct direction. Someone to say, " Yes, I know. I understand. You cannot give up now. You can do it." Just someone to believe in them.

Trust me. I would know. I know how it feels like to realize, all of a sudden, your role model is not what you expect them to be. I know how it feels like to be all lost and not knowing who you can follow. I know how it feels like to need to talk to someone, have them believe in you, trust you. I also know how it feels like to distract yourself to run away from facing your problems. I do. I knew it since I was seven. Fortunately, I did not only have someone, I had plenty who went out of their way to try and help me. Unfortunately, I was too much a proud person to accept help or too broken to allow someone to help me, that I still do not know. But thankfully, I have myself to depend on. Me, a person that I can always count on.

Here is something for you to chew on.
1. Are you following some one's footsteps blindly?
2. Are you portraying the right kind of example for thoes that look up to you?
3. Are you reaching out to thoes dear to you that need your faith in them?