i pray for the day, i wake up, smile and not dread school.

i pray for the day, where my hard work would pay off. where i will stop failing. please. i want to pass promos.

i pray for the day, where i follow my heart and not my head.

i pray for the day, where i will stop crying myself to sleep.

i pray, i pray for that day to be here.

you know.

when i dont scream shout yell back. it doesnt mean i like it. when i keep quiet about the way you treat me, doesnt mean you can continue treating me like that. when i dont complain, get angry. it doesnt mean im not hurt by your actions. im more upset than angry.

i aint sure if you are treating me as a friend or some spare tyre which i feel like one.

but im sure i deserve better than this.

im not sure why you treat me that way, but im not letting myself to suffer your torment anymore. you are supposed to be my friend. good friend.

i just want to be happy.

you give me one more reason to leave. because it affects me.

i dno. i want to wake up, smile and say yeah. theres school today.

its so easy to tell when your menses is coming.

i dont regret joining canoe. but i cant help but think of the things i could have been part of. or would still be doing if i wasnt in canoe. like maybemaybe. i could go for the ocip trip in laos. or still be dancing. maybe my grades wouldnt have suffered that badly. constant fights and arguements with my parents could be avoided. i could meet up with cass, qian, june, marc, carina and other people more often. its just that sometimes i question myself. is it worth it? would my sacrifices pay off? maybe not. but since i have already given up so much. a little more wont make the difference will it? or since i have already given up so much its time i put an end to it?

hm. great. now i have a question to ponder for the week.

anw. i spent my hk trip doing induction in the hotel cause of a typhoon which i was dying to witness but didnt. and the other two days was raining. how lucky i didnt spend a single cent.

having eye infection really stinks.

i have to continuously wipe of those ugly discharge. my eyes can open properly and it has strunk to a quater of my right eye. like RRAAAHHHHHH.

i am totally pissed off cause i have to skip chem fact test yesterday to go see a doctor. i totally studied like way so hard for this test and i had to miss it. as in i know i was going to pass that test!! okay. i know this sounds totally wierd coming from me. but. ya. i really wanted to take the test. and now im stucked at home. and its like the perfect timing for me to get the infection. like im so going to hong kong tomorrow. raaahh. its so wtf right.

okay. im going back to sleep. its actually hard to open my eyes properly.

was that a tinge of jealous i felt just now?
maybe not.

omg.
i miss cassandra loads. like totally. i totally miss her sitting beside me in class and irritating me by tapping her fingers or her feet cause she is so bored. raahhh. oh wells.

chui waiyin. i will think twice before running with you at night again.
1. its damn scary.
2. when u pick up speed, i dare not lag too far behind BECAUSE ITS SCARY.
3. u torture me.
but i clocked 2 km today already! yippy. 6km left this week!

OKAY. IM GG BACK TO DO ECONS ESSAY. yikes!

something i saw today got me thinking.

i was a the interchange today, waiting for the bus to my gran's. there i saw a middle aged woman looking at her newly bought pair of faux diamond ear rings. then, i thought to myself. will i be contented if i were her? or would i want more than just that? if a girl like me, at my age. thinks that, no that is not enough. where's the quality in life like this? then. i dont know what. neither am i fit to coment on others lives. but i know, i wont want to live like that.

am i to be blamed for being so materialistic? i dont know.

my next question was. how am i go about achiving the life that i want? a life in comfort and luxury? yes, marry a rich man. but where will i put my pride, spending someone else's money? no. i wont want that. i wont want to be dependent on someone else. like no. so that leaves me with the only route, that is to study hard, get a place in uni, then find a high paying job. right, end of story.

but what if. what if. i dont achive what i set out to do? i wont be able to give my parents the kind of life they have given me. the best. the best of their mights. making sure that i have everything other kids have and sometimes even better. i would want to give them the life they have given me, or even better. but what if things dont go out the way i want them to? they will have to suffer with me throught out their old age wont they? having wasted all their resources on me, when they could have saved for old age. how, then?

so its finally over. ** a huge sigh of relief.

well we are national 6th. one point away from nationals top 4 tho. and we so rock. with elvis and suzhen coming in 2nd. beating a nj boat. like wa!!!! this shows that. yes we all can do it. YEPP YEPP WE CAN!

this isnt the end tho. it marks a new beginning for us. we will have to train harder, run faster and paddle more. yes. we will and we will beat the rest. yepp.
WATCH TPJC CANOEING TEAM RISE!

&
yesterday was like a really moody day for me. totally pms-ing. i dno. i felt like i was treated like. oh wells i dno. yes. i think its because i was still brooding over the fact that. hey. i could have gotten into finals or put up a tougher fight. but i didnt. oh wells. its done. so yarh. im totally over it now. like totally. SERIOUSLY.

anyway. wednesday ended with a special treat.
COACH DECIDED TO LET US TRY ANY BOAT WE WANTED.
and guess what. i immediately went to grab my raptor. i miss it. like miss miss it. SERIOUSLY. haha. tho it still gives me hideous blueback marks on my thighs.
and i finally gotten to try the c boats. hmm. if the raptor was my first love, the c boat is my true love. HAHA. its super duper fun. and i think im quite zai. at least i got to drift out of the pontoon before i jump off. HAHA. my love. i hope to get on it soon again, keeping my fingers crossed**.
the senior guys used the k4. it was certainly wierd to see guys using the k4 instead of girls. i have to admit tho. they are good. well. maybe. i will get to do k4? haha. i dno. i. i. i think i would want to continue with my k1 1000 tho. come back as a stronger opponent next year. yepp. oh wells. whatever. i will come back as a stronger opponent in which ever event. i will. i will.

wait and see.