ever wondered if anything and everything at all is all worth it?

june holidays are here. and im really freaking out. cause it only means that A LEVELS are also drawing closer. tell me that i will study. ensure that i do. wont you?

it is actually a pretty weird feeling to feel happy and proud of a close friend, yet have a tinge of jealousy, because you are unsure. unsure of what the future holds, unsure if you are able to accomplish what he/she/they have done. then after, comes the guilt part. where you know you should not be feeling that way about your close friend. ( see la Marcus, June, Daryl, Ivan do so well for a levels for what. now i don't know whether to be happy for you all or worried about myself. )

I don't know I don't know I don't know. All I know is that I'm apprehensive of the future.

And I want to win my bet. Watch out Marc and Ivan, bear our bet in mind.

Insecure. Thats how I feel about my entire life so far. Any harmless little thing can break me.

What makes man relationships so special and difficult is the inability to phantom the minds of the other person. If that is then, is that the exact reason why people have to be sensitive towards one another?

But, if. If the person isn't? Then how? How would you protect yourself then? Although, words do not injure one physically. It can and will do emotional damage.

Thus, I conclude that the only way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is to keep a distance away from whatever and whoever. It might seem like I'm building a fence around myself. Like Troy's impregnable fortress with tall walls that could not be breached.

In time to come, I may regret my choice. And somehow along the way, I may grow lonely and unhappy because I don't share. I may even question myself if its all worth it. And, I might just decide that it is not worth it.

However, the only thing I want is to be carefree and exuberant. Things are, nevertheless never going smoothly. They are only pushing me away from what I desire the most. This makes me ponder over what, I cant exactly pinpoint. Maybe, its time for me to move on?

Actually, I think I'm lacking in the third level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

I can never have any type of relationship with anyone. Simply because, I cannot trust anyone. It is not in my capacity to allow someone in my life fully. Because, I do not want to be hurt. I just want to be independent, to be responsible for my own emotions. I want me there as my backup to be enough. I do not want to need anyone for anything.

my tummy hurts so badly. i think im getting a miscarriage. its been hurting for like three days already.

i dont want to get myself into the mess that my class is heading into now. seriously, if u ask my opinion, everyone is at fault, lets not bother about the exten part. but yes. all at fault. no use arguing bout that. it takes two hands to clap. hahaha. i dont know and i dont want to know.

yes, im apathetic about loads of stuff. so?

i've more to rant. but.

why. why does friction be present where where humans are?

I wonder what's the reason why people just done learn from the living past experiences of their parents lives. No offence or anything but dont they want to walk out of it? Like have a better life compared to their parents since they have lived through it? This is exactly why people live in VICIOUS cycle of poverty huh. Like since my parents have lived like that, its okay for me to live my life like this too. Seriously, i think in that case all the education u have received have been wasted. Since the fact of education is supposed t widen your knowledge and open your minds hence allowing you to improve on yourselves. Isn't it?

I know for a fact that i won't want to life like my parents. I want a better life, for them, for myself.

i look back along the past year. and i dont like what i see. be it my actions, behavior or what so ever. because that isnt who i wanted to be.

this is killing my already deprived childhood.