you know, the typical happy endings in story books and movies are exactly why the reason we read/ watch them. and we watch/ read them, to give ourselves of that little hope that you know, maybe one day in our own pathetic lives, we might have a happy ending. that is why, regardless of how many times that stupid same/ similar plot has been used, you wouldnt mind. you would still read/ watch it.



wheres my happy ending?

for like the past the past 5 months, i have been hooked on the Harry Dresden Files series ( thanks to PeterPoh). in the series, there is this group of characters that are the white court vampires. they are pretty interesting, instead of feeding on human blood like normal vampires ( red/black court ), they feed on humans' emotions. like lust, fear, hunger so forth. they are actually the most human like vampires, they do not like being violent unlike you know, normal vampires, so instead of fighting physically, they scheme and plot. terrifying huh.

but on second thoughts, aren't we all like that? we thrive on others' misfortune, unhappiness and fear ( okay maybe not thrive, that would be exaggerating ). we laugh at our friends when they fall, sometimes when they fail a certain test or exam, their embarrassment when they have done something stupid, etc ( or at least i do ), enjoy watching reality TV because they torment the contestants. for instance, fear factor and the one with the suitcase and hot women ( i can't remember what it i called ), we watch it because we want to watch the reactions of the contestants. it gives us some kind of satisfaction. i don't know why. maybe because we are all born sadistic in nature.

more often than not, we usually tend to forget to regard the feelings of the person that we are laughing at, especially if its our friend(s). i mean those on the reality TV programmes just deserve it, no one asked them to join it. it was their decision to make. ( ha ha. too bad. ) not everyone won't mind being laugh at ( like me ), some tend to be more sensitive than others. and even though, they mind not say it out loud, like "HEY! THAT ISN'T NICE.", i think as friends, we should, i don't know, know our limits? i know its fun to laugh at someone. and constantly remind them of what kinda stupid act they have done. but being the victim most of the times, i know that sometimes, its just way over the line. and not fucking funny.

what makes us different from the white court vampires then? nothing really.

time to time as we recount, we would revisit fond memories and of course, unpleasant ones as well. and as we recount those unpleasant memories, we ( or i at the very least ) would wonder how would life be exactly? if i had not made a certain choice or walked down a certain path. followed closely behind, i would feel the regret over my actions or inaction as so to speak.

but truly, do we actually regret over the things that we have done or failed to do? i mean, if we do regret, then maybe, maybe we would have made amendments for our own actions. to make up for what we have done. to apologise, to do what we should have done ( better late than never ), etc. and the fact that we do not. we leave things as they are, can only mean one thing. we don't regret over our own actions, inaction at all. we can come up with excuses, its been such a long while, that episode is already over, its time to move on. but seriously, we are only deluding ourselves. thus, it only leaves me with 2 conclusions. either a, you don't regret at all, or b, you are living in your own world of lies you have made up of to make yourself feel at ease.

i believe in second chances. because you can always make up for what you have done.

i don't regret, because if i do, i have already done something about it.

life throws you surprises in all kind of wierd ways. dont you agree? tho, you would always end up alive after each and every battle ( i mean that is what that matters right? ), you would be all tattered and chewed up all over. thats just how we grow, isnt it? mature and develop as a strong minded person ( or at least thats where all our goal should be).

am i a strong person, both mentally and physically? Would i be able to handle whatever life throws at me. i dont think so. in fact, i think that i am very much a coward when it comes to like facing problems. i enjoy running away, hiding behind that fake smile that i always wear. and from time to time, i realise that, that can only be a distraction from whatever im facing. when the distraction is gone, i would be all miserable all over again. then, like a vicious cycle, it starts all over again.

what am i going to do bout it now that i know? know that im a coward. nothing. because running from my problems have long ago been a part of my life, in my comfort zone. and it would take a miracle for me to face up to them.

having said so, being a strong person is still my goal.

you know what i cant stand?

i cant stand you telling me how you are going to fail, when hello, you effing know you had not screwed up.

okay, i just need to vent my anger. somewhere.

My brain is so drained. I abhor chemistry. I spent, you know, only two hours on two miserable questions. Yeah.

I've always believed that nothing is impossible as long I put in the effort. But being in a jc, tears apart what I believe. I saw time invested, playtime sacrificed, sleep lost but nothing in return. Maybe, im not working hard in enough. Maybe. But since I have already lost, sacrificed so much, whats a little more?

Happy birthday ivan.

You just reminded me that the bets still on. The only thing that keeps me going. Perrrfect.

Homo sapiens. We are a bunch of highly confused animals. Don't you think so?

I actually have a lot to rant. But my thoughts are so disorganized, it would seem like I'm rumbling. I guess another time, when my brain is not feeling so ecstatic about receiving back prelims papers tomorrow.

Say something nice at my funeral won't you?