.

2011-01-16T05:27:00.000-08:00

In my walk with God as a christian, I struggle a lot. Mostly because my faith is not strong enough and that I cannot stand the fact that christians just cannot stop evangelizing.

When my aunt was first diagnosed with cancer, I prayed, my family prayed. Everyone prayed for her to get well. The pastor says, "God heals". So, we carried on praying. Every single day, we prayed for a miracle. A month passes by, then a year. I have lost count. But nothing. NOTHING happened. I watched my aunt's health deteriorate day by day till 13 January when she passed on to be with the Lord.

I was, no still am angry and furious. Why. Why. Why take her away from us, God? Why didn't you come through and help us when we needed you the most? Where were you? Was my faith placed in the wrong God?

2010-09-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Daddy,

The purpose of writing this email is not to trigger an argument with you. I just want you to understand how I look at things from my point of view, as a daughter and as a young adult.

Firstly, I understand your concerns over the overseas trip I proposed. I know that mum and you would be worried. And that I am your only daughter, if anything happens to me, you would be devastated. But, sometimes, I think you have to accept the fact that I am growing older, whether you like it or not. As much as I try not to make you and mum worried, I do need my space and freedom. In my 20 years, I never stayed overnight away from home, over at a friend's place or done anything outrageous or anything that would cause either of you excessively worried about me. Even when I want something, I would work hard to get it myself. I do not ask for anything more than my weekly allowance. So to be honest, I think you brought me up as a responsible, independent and resilient lady. Thus, I do not understand why you would be excessively worried about the overseas trip. And that maybe you should have more trust and faith in me in doing the right thing.

Maybe, you have forgotten how it is like to be young.

Times have changed Daddy, I do not think it is reasonable for you to say that you do not allow me to go because I have yet to be married just cause I am a girl and I cannot travel overseas without parental supervision. Actually, in my opinion, I think that is just a bad excuse.

I know that you are under a lot of stress because you have yet to find a job. And that your savings are dwindling away. You do not think that I should have any unnecessary expenses and give you unnecessary stress. But, I would be paying for my own trip. I toiled for these money Daddy, and all I have spent them on is on school fees and school books. Do you think you can just let me go and enjoy myself for 3 days?

As your daughter, I understand your concerns and constrains because you told me today. But you did not want to listen to what I had to say and I think as I grow older, I want to be heard. If you want me to understand things from your perspective, sometimes you should too, from mine.

Lastly, I just want to remind you that when I was young, you told me to treat you and talk to you as a friend to be open about everything. I think it works both ways. And I think I know why children lie to their parents. I think it is because parents are often unsupportive of their children's actions and shut off all forms of communications about the action because they do not want to hear anymore of it. Think of it this way, if you do not accept the fact that I have a boyfriend, you would not be able to find out what kind of person I spend my time with. Simply because I would not be able to talk to you about him. So, I think it works quite the same way.

Like I said, I do not wish to enter into an argument with you. I just want to let you know how I feel about things and of course hope that you would change your mind about your decision.

I know you love me daddy, and I do too. But, I am growing older. I can fend for myself. You do not have to be so protective towards me.

Thats all I have to say.

Oh and. Do not give up in looking for a job, persevere. Good things come to the people that work hard for it!

2010-07-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

The past few months working at the airport has made me realised that life can be so carefree and simple if one is contented with what they have.

Despite the long hours and the lack of intellectual challenge (hm. to a certain extend, that is not true), I actually find working at the airport enjoyable. Of course, a huge part of it has to be credited to my co-workers for making my day.

I finally understand how important it is to feel contented with what one has instead of comparing or grumbling about what one do not have. With my father's forced retirement last year I understood the importance of money. And under immense pressure and stress at home, I was convinced that I would never be contented if I were not rich in the future. At a point of time, I even admitted to Cassandra that I would rather have rich people problems than poor people problems. I do not know if I am to be ashamed of myself.

However at church yesterday, the pastor asked us what are we going to bring to God in heaven. The pastor hoped that we would not bring money because heaven has no currency. And that is when I realised, it is what we do that define who we are and not how much money we make or what we wear. A foolish pursuit of money is not what I want out of my life. Frankly speaking, neither is a fancy degree.

I am a simple girl, all I want is to be happy. And being contented is en route to being happy. So maybe if I am contented with all that I have now instead of always wanting more, I would be less of a miserable person.

:))

I apologise if you think my ideas are all over the place. I have not written in a long time and it is evident in my writing as the ideas do not flow even to me.

2009-11-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

I was quite sure when my father handed me a packet of tissue papers yesterday, saying, "You would need it later," he didn't think that I would be using them to wipe away my tears.

Time and again I struggle with myself, trying to pick myself up a failure after another. I pride myself for being determined. Never once have I gave up, thinking that I am just not good enough, maybe it is meant to be or I am just not that smart. I have always believed that if I have absolutely no trust in myself to do well, no faith and not proud of myself, nobody else would.

2009-10-24T09:21:00.001-07:00

Many people feel afraid just when they are about to embark on something new, even when they are excited about it before. I know because I'm experiencing it now.

I was looking forward to go to James Cook to do psychology, but after the 2nd day of orientation, I started to get cold feet. I felt unsure of my choice. I mean I was or always have been a science student and for me to change and go do an art subject now, I wasn't sure if I am able to handle it. Moreover, one of the main reason why I applied to James Cook was because it was my safety net. At James Cook, I was able to attain a reputable psychology degree. So, when the thought that I was supposed to go to school on Monday hit me. I was actually quite lost. I wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted.

I spent the most of today with my mum. It was actually really enjoyable. Anyway, it reminded me of why I wanted to do psychology when I was a child. I have always craved for a normal mother-daughter relationship just like anyone else. It may come as a shock, but my mother is actually suffering from mild depression. She is unable to control her emotions or even her actions from time to time. I wanted to or want to understand her better, thats why I want to do psychology.

I was at church today, WITHOUT SAM. The pastor was saying that sometimes when we pray we feel as though we are actually praying to a wall. Nothing happens. Kinda like, your prayers are not answered. But it's not true because God is interested in every detail in our lives no matter how small.

What I am trying to say is that, I believe that God is interested in every mundane detail of our lives. My prayers when I was a child, did not fall on deaf ears, even though no miracle happened and my mum didn't get well. I didn't have a childhood a normal child would have. But now by a series of bad luck (not getting into local unis), I am able to read psychology at James Cook. I would be able to understand my mother better. Aren't my prayers answered now? So, like what your pastors will tell you, God has a reason for allowing things to happen the way they do. Maybe the reason why your prayers are not answered is because the time is not right or maybe God is preparing you for something bigger (auntie jenny always tells me that whenever I encounter any hardship).

So have faith people. And I think Sam is no longer the reason why I am attending church. Maybe I am able to say I want to commit myself entirely to God soon. We shall see.

2009-10-24T08:37:00.001-07:00

there are more to tragedies than what they appear to be. on the surface, yes i agree, it seems all so sad. you know the kind of circumstances that you wold pity the people in it but at the same time you thank God every moment that you are not in the same position. however, tragedies in my opinion are only tragic when you continuously dwell on the outcome and not the journey. i am aware of how unfeeling i sound.

chinese have this saying " tian xia mei you bu san de yan si" which means that all good things would always come to an end. and in these tragedies, the end is usually fast approaching. though some faster than others. but, it is precisely because of the presence of these approaching endings that allow us to take some time off and reflect on what we have and are about to lose. in a way of another, it is an experience that allows us to mature and grow. plainly speaking, they are just part and parcel of life.

What matters most is how we handle these tragedies. I vaguely remember a general paper essay topic, "Tragedies brings out the best in man. Comment," it does! It reminds us that there is still humanity in this world.

tragedy on a smaller scale, a tragedy in the family can prove to be a blessing in disguise. it brings the family closer together than ever because now, all of us are fighting against a common cause, be it to prevent the lost of something or someone you all hold close to your hearts. and si, kinship within the family is renewed. you see your once upon a time really close siblings, parents and relatives more often now. you are able to relive what you could only reminisce in the past. and despite the fact that the dateline is fast approaching,i believe that you have gained more than you may lose. you have once again found love. it is better to have enjoyed a short life than to live a hard long life.

God allows things to happen for a reason, and more often than not, it is for our benefit. I guess if we do not focus too much on our own feelings or the upsetting events, we might actually see things from another angle, a brighter angle.

2009-07-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

We cannot blame anyone for who we eventually turn out to be. Not our family or our peers, only ourselves. Yes, I agree that some do grow up, or grew up rather in dysfunctional families or under bad influences. But, ultimately everyone matures and would be able to tell the difference between right and wrong. Thus, we make informed choices, fully aware of the consequences that are in stored for us when we take that wrong step. This I think society ( By this I refer to television or any form of media for that matter, has made it very clear to us. I think society's guidelines are more or less in tune with what most religions preach. Well, at the very least in Singapore) has made it very clear to us. Thus, we are well aware of how we should behave.

However, that having said, I also believe that we learn from examples. Especially from people we respect and look up to. And at times, it may be disappointing to realize that the people that we actually depend on to be our role models are not that fabulous. Like all humans, they make mistakes. Then, like what I said in the previous paragraph, it is up to us to make our choices, to follow in the same footsteps or to create our own path. We should have the courage to do whatever is right, morally and socially so, and not to follow blindly onto the wrong path. But, more often than not, we stay in our comfort zone, unwilling to move an inch to do what needs to be done. Because, we have an example for reference when we follow onto the same path, instead of creating our own, having witnessed it for ourselves from our so called role models. Harming no one else, but ourselves.

It is a vicious cycle really. What these people need is someone to be there, offering them support when they try to steer themselves in the correct direction. Someone to say, " Yes, I know. I understand. You cannot give up now. You can do it." Just someone to believe in them.

Trust me. I would know. I know how it feels like to realize, all of a sudden, your role model is not what you expect them to be. I know how it feels like to be all lost and not knowing who you can follow. I know how it feels like to need to talk to someone, have them believe in you, trust you. I also know how it feels like to distract yourself to run away from facing your problems. I do. I knew it since I was seven. Fortunately, I did not only have someone, I had plenty who went out of their way to try and help me. Unfortunately, I was too much a proud person to accept help or too broken to allow someone to help me, that I still do not know. But thankfully, I have myself to depend on. Me, a person that I can always count on.

Here is something for you to chew on.
1. Are you following some one's footsteps blindly?
2. Are you portraying the right kind of example for thoes that look up to you?
3. Are you reaching out to thoes dear to you that need your faith in them?

2009-07-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm upset. I really am.

I cannot help but to feel that I am freaking dumb or wsome sort. I mean. isnt that the reason why i didnt mak it in to loacl unis? that i am not good enough. thats what they tell me on my rejection letter. Competition is tough, it is as good as, you are not good enough for us. even if others may say that oh, they take other stuff into consideration, it just means that, as a person, i am also not desirable enough for them to accept me. like they dont want me at all, not at all. to the extend that they rather take in people whom fucking failed their GP rather than me.

I cant stand it. i really cannot. i might just stay at home from now on.

2009-06-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

'Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till its over
If it takes forever I want you to know..'

-Save you by Simple Plan.

Sometimes, it just sucks when you see someone upset and yet, you remain helpless, clueless as to how you can ease their pain.

I hate it when that happens to me. For that reminds me of what i have yet to accomplish, for the fact that seeing someone upset makes me upset too, and it hurts all the more when the person is someone close to me.

And yet, somehow, i cherish the times when I can offer my shoulder to cry on, for that small act, makes me feel so blessed, so useful.

2009-06-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

How do you actually define beauty? Based on something as superficial as looks, or something else with more substance?

Well, here is what I think of beauty. I think the old cliche term, ' Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder' says it all. Sometimes, okay most of the time, I cannot help but just stare at Sam. Like gawk my eyes out looking at him. I admit, he may not be what you would call good looking. But to me. He is beautiful. No one else would be able to carry off the small eyes, geeky specs as well as he can. Does it matter if he has like 6/8 pacs? No. He looks good with one huge family pac. Even his blemishes are a reason why he looks so appealing to me. See, get what I mean by the old cliche saying is spot on, on what I think of beauty?

Anyway, I don't think the saying only applies to like your other halves. It applies to all your friends and family members as well. I mean, think of it this way. Don't all your friends seem imperfectly perfect to you?

For instance, I had just told June her bangs don't really complement her face. But, on second thoughts, she actually looks alright with it. Because she is who she is. She is my friend. No matter what, she still looks perfect. And on top of it, she has the confidence to carry off the bangs. And Cass, well, she is a little on the rounder side. But she is well, perfect to me. She is a huge bundle of joy, literally. Actually, I am not exactly sure if she would look as cute stick thin.

I guess when you have a relationship, any relationship at all. It is important to accept the imperfections of your friends, family, boyfriend, girlfriend as well. ( Well, in my opinion, its these little imperfections that make them so perfect.) Because, if you cannot accept these flaws, you cannot even call yourselves friends. You are nothing more than mere acquaintances.

So, only call yourself my friend if you have tolerated my nonsense (I know I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. I'm so sorry for what you all have to go through.) and still love me anyway.

2009-06-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

life is full of bittersweet moments, dont you agree?

i mean, think about it. there would surely be a time where something had happened in your life that made you feel happy, but at the same time, you get that nagging feeling inside you that somehow, the moment isnt as perfect as you thought it was.

okay, take for example, you seeing a friend/sibling get a really cool gift(make it something that you really want too, maybe a louwe bag? haha). wont you feel happy for that person? unless you're like some unfeeling, cold hearted person, then yeah, maybe this post wouldnt be for you then. but at the same time as you feel happy for that person, wont you, and be truthful on this, feel a tinge of jealousy at how you didnt get it?

so, you see my point.

i hope this post made sense, cos its already 1130 in the evening, my brain has officially started to go on standby.

written by : sam.

2009-05-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

There are two ways where you can react to bad news.

1. Cry as if your world has crashed and burned.

2. Take it in your stride and move on.

I'm done crying.

Or am I?

2009-05-17T02:24:00.000-07:00

we are all self-centred. do you realise that? what ever little things you do starts with an i. i want to eat sushi tei for dinner. i want to watch angels and demons. even if sometimes, it isnt as literal as this.

well, i do things, mainly because, thats what i want to do. for instance, i have been volunteering at marine parade family service centre for almost 3/4 months now. the reason i enjoy volunteering and am volunteering is because, i enjoy being there. i feel gratified after each lesson. like oohh i have done some good deed. but see, this is what i realise. i didnt see the need to volunteer because the elderly in marine parade needed a cyber guide. they needed a person to close the gap between them and their children, grandchildren. no i didnt.

yesterday at sam's church, they were talking bout allowing God to lead your life. doing stuff that God wants you to do instead of what you want to do. hm.

i guess what im trying to say is that, if we ( or rather i ) do not put ourselves as the main character of our own lives, maybe we would be able to discover what God wants us to do.

okay, i know. this is highly out of character for me. to blog bout God and stuff.

2009-05-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

you know, the typical happy endings in story books and movies are exactly why the reason we read/ watch them. and we watch/ read them, to give ourselves of that little hope that you know, maybe one day in our own pathetic lives, we might have a happy ending. that is why, regardless of how many times that stupid same/ similar plot has been used, you wouldnt mind. you would still read/ watch it.

wheres my happy ending?

2009-05-04T01:55:00.001-07:00

for like the past the past 5 months, i have been hooked on the Harry Dresden Files series ( thanks to PeterPoh). in the series, there is this group of characters that are the white court vampires. they are pretty interesting, instead of feeding on human blood like normal vampires ( red/black court ), they feed on humans' emotions. like lust, fear, hunger so forth. they are actually the most human like vampires, they do not like being violent unlike you know, normal vampires, so instead of fighting physically, they scheme and plot. terrifying huh.

but on second thoughts, aren't we all like that? we thrive on others' misfortune, unhappiness and fear ( okay maybe not thrive, that would be exaggerating ). we laugh at our friends when they fall, sometimes when they fail a certain test or exam, their embarrassment when they have done something stupid, etc ( or at least i do ), enjoy watching reality TV because they torment the contestants. for instance, fear factor and the one with the suitcase and hot women ( i can't remember what it i called ), we watch it because we want to watch the reactions of the contestants. it gives us some kind of satisfaction. i don't know why. maybe because we are all born sadistic in nature.

more often than not, we usually tend to forget to regard the feelings of the person that we are laughing at, especially if its our friend(s). i mean those on the reality TV programmes just deserve it, no one asked them to join it. it was their decision to make. ( ha ha. too bad. ) not everyone won't mind being laugh at ( like me ), some tend to be more sensitive than others. and even though, they mind not say it out loud, like "HEY! THAT ISN'T NICE.", i think as friends, we should, i don't know, know our limits? i know its fun to laugh at someone. and constantly remind them of what kinda stupid act they have done. but being the victim most of the times, i know that sometimes, its just way over the line. and not fucking funny.

what makes us different from the white court vampires then? nothing really.

2009-04-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

time to time as we recount, we would revisit fond memories and of course, unpleasant ones as well. and as we recount those unpleasant memories, we ( or i at the very least ) would wonder how would life be exactly? if i had not made a certain choice or walked down a certain path. followed closely behind, i would feel the regret over my actions or inaction as so to speak.

but truly, do we actually regret over the things that we have done or failed to do? i mean, if we do regret, then maybe, maybe we would have made amendments for our own actions. to make up for what we have done. to apologise, to do what we should have done ( better late than never ), etc. and the fact that we do not. we leave things as they are, can only mean one thing. we don't regret over our own actions, inaction at all. we can come up with excuses, its been such a long while, that episode is already over, its time to move on. but seriously, we are only deluding ourselves. thus, it only leaves me with 2 conclusions. either a, you don't regret at all, or b, you are living in your own world of lies you have made up of to make yourself feel at ease.

i believe in second chances. because you can always make up for what you have done.

i don't regret, because if i do, i have already done something about it.

2009-04-13T07:52:00.001-07:00

life throws you surprises in all kind of wierd ways. dont you agree? tho, you would always end up alive after each and every battle ( i mean that is what that matters right? ), you would be all tattered and chewed up all over. thats just how we grow, isnt it? mature and develop as a strong minded person ( or at least thats where all our goal should be).

am i a strong person, both mentally and physically? Would i be able to handle whatever life throws at me. i dont think so. in fact, i think that i am very much a coward when it comes to like facing problems. i enjoy running away, hiding behind that fake smile that i always wear. and from time to time, i realise that, that can only be a distraction from whatever im facing. when the distraction is gone, i would be all miserable all over again. then, like a vicious cycle, it starts all over again.

what am i going to do bout it now that i know? know that im a coward. nothing. because running from my problems have long ago been a part of my life, in my comfort zone. and it would take a miracle for me to face up to them.

having said so, being a strong person is still my goal.

2008-11-11T03:14:00.000-08:00

you know what i cant stand?

i cant stand you telling me how you are going to fail, when hello, you effing know you had not screwed up.

okay, i just need to vent my anger. somewhere.

2008-09-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

My brain is so drained. I abhor chemistry. I spent, you know, only two hours on two miserable questions. Yeah.

I've always believed that nothing is impossible as long I put in the effort. But being in a jc, tears apart what I believe. I saw time invested, playtime sacrificed, sleep lost but nothing in return. Maybe, im not working hard in enough. Maybe. But since I have already lost, sacrificed so much, whats a little more?

Happy birthday ivan.

You just reminded me that the bets still on. The only thing that keeps me going. Perrrfect.

2008-09-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

Homo sapiens. We are a bunch of highly confused animals. Don't you think so?

I actually have a lot to rant. But my thoughts are so disorganized, it would seem like I'm rumbling. I guess another time, when my brain is not feeling so ecstatic about receiving back prelims papers tomorrow.

Say something nice at my funeral won't you?

2008-08-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

I just felt like reposting it.

What makes man relationships so special and difficult is the inability to phantom the minds of the other person. If that is then, is that the exact reason why people have to be sensitive towards one another?

But, if. If the person isn't? Then how? How would you protect yourself then? Although, words do not injure one physically. It can and will do emotional damage.

Thus, I conclude that the only way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is to keep a distance away from whatever and whoever. It might seem like I'm building a fence around myself. Like Troy's impregnable fortress with tall walls that could not be breached.

In time to come, I may regret my choice. And somehow along the way, I may grow lonely and unhappy because I don't share. I may even question myself if its all worth it. And, I might just decide that it is not worth it.

However, the only thing I want is to be carefree and exuberant. Things are, nevertheless never going smoothly. They are only pushing me away from what I desire the most. This makes me ponder over what, I cant exactly pinpoint. Maybe, its time for me to move on?

I can never have any type of relationship with anyone. Simply because, I cannot trust anyone. It is not in my capacity to allow someone in my life fully. Because, I do not want to be hurt. I just want to be independent, to be responsible for my own emotions. I want me there as my backup to be enough. I do not want to need anyone for anything.

2008-08-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

Ask not what your friends would do for you, but what you would do for your friends.

2008-08-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

I recall saying, 'Given a second chance, I would do things another way, a different way.' How true is that exactly? I have been given second chances before. Take the advancement from JC1 to JC2 for an example. I told myself, if I were to be advanced, I would put in DOUBLE the effort in my studies. And, that did not happen.

Daddy, was giving me a prep talk over dinner. As much as he says, its okay as long you have tried your best, I can tell that he really wishes for me to do well and get into a university. Partly because he wants me to finish something that he has always wanted to achieve but never got to. And because, he wants me to do well, because he is my father.

How guilty can I be? So guilty, that it would be my drive towards acing the A Levels? Time will tell.

Jelly, asked me some questions today that really got me thinking.
How well do I actually know my friends and understand them? Actually, do I even make the effort to? What kind of person am I?
It also reminded me of somethings I never want to recall ever again. Never. I'm actually quite okay to talk about it, but I would not tell you what happened. There are somethings, that I am unable to face with yet. Maybe one day, when I can talk about it openly, I would be a happier person.

My choice. My responsiblity.

To my dearest friend, WenJie: Happy Belated Eighteen!

2008-07-31T04:41:00.000-07:00

Its been a while.

Don't you think that life is just like a theater production? A show put up to please one another (people watching, celebrations, etc.), ourselves or perhaps the almighty one above. I was in math tutorial today, when I realised this disappointing reality of life. Looking at Mrs Koh, I felt as though, I was in a play, with Mrs Koh, doing this one lady show. Trying her entire best, to engage us in her act. I don't mean anything mean though.

Why do we prepare to go to school. Why do we sit for exams? Because it would ensure us better roles in future plays? Starring Jessie Choo as the medicine undergraduate. Starring Jessie Choo as the Cardiologist. But, there won't be an end to it will there? Why can't we be contented being seventeen? And stop there? Oh. Hold on. I just turned eighteen. Fantastic. It is not realistic, because, time won't stop. Not for any one for that matter. So I know, that it is not discriminating against me. Thank God.

Given a second chance, i would have done things another way. A different way. But, the problem is that second chances hardly surfaces. Another lesson learnt, do not do anything rash. Think before you act, Jessie.

I am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. It would have and will help if you were there, like you were before.

2008-07-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

i can't open some browser just because im using a mac. it says, please use internet explorer instead. wtfffffff.

screw it man. im going to bed.

2008-07-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

its scary how things all end so fast. it seems like just yesterday that i chanced upon the tpjcanoeing poster around school and decided to try out.

it has ended. my canoeing career. all the effort, time have all gone up in smoke. have it?

it just kills me to know that, even though we gave our best. best, we still didnt make it, we still ended up slower than what? srjcanoeing? OMG. that i cannot accept. what the fuck? we are that effing slow?

whatever. its the end. thank God.

im relieved that i dont have to put up with things that i have been putting up with. seriously.

THANK GOD.

2008-07-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty emotional today. However, i cannot seem to organise my thoughts well enough to express myself in words. Nevertheless, i shall give it a shot.

We celebrated Mr. Chua's thirty-seven birthday today. The entire senior team was present in full strength. lt is a rare ocassion that everyone would be there to bless us with their presence, because some people would always miraculously vanish right after training.

One. I really enjoyed the feeling of being in a team where we press on and push each other towards a common goal. It is something that i did not exactly experience in chinese dance, or students' council. There was too much politics for my liking. As i soaked into tonight's fun and laughter, questions popped out at the back of my mind.

How many more gatherings like this are going to happen in the future? Are we even going to be in contact anymore after we graduate? Would we turn into strangers we would not even say Hi to on the streets. Would friendships that we have just go up into smoke?

What exactly does the future have installed for us?

Thats it, I'm not only a loser, I'm also a pessimist.

2008-06-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

We are all moving too fast forward, stop and take a good look around you. You would realise that things are not the way you've remembered, or thought they were to be.

I was staring out of the window on bus 36 today, on my way to meet my parents for dinner. Strangely, nothing seemed familiar to me. I can might as well be in Hong Kong. Though it was nothing to the extreme of being alien, but it just did not seem like home. It is not just the new physical surroundings. How long has it been since you have taken a good look at your parents. A good long while isn't it? Daddy looked like he has put on 20 years worth of wrinkles and half a head full of white hair. He also no longer has that huge appetite for food that I inherited. Mummy has also put on her fair share of wrinkles, minus the white hair. She has the weary look worn on her face. My parents are growing old, aging. Are yours? (The expensive products, facials that my parents go for are so not working.)
What have you done, I done to cause the crease on their foreheads, what have I done to lessen their worries?

Here are the Steps taken by the Choo Family in times of Inflation.

Mr Choo- 1. Dine in places without GST, service tax.
2. Apply for memberships at stores.
3. Indulge in expensive watches.

Mrs Choo- 1.Buy in-house brands at supermarkets.
2. Ensure that daughter does not tag along during grocery shopping.
3. Keep coupons.
4. Buy expensive treads for knitting.

Miss Choo- 1. Keep ATM card at safely at home.
2. Take lesser taxis. Or at least try to.
3. Shop more during GSS.

MANY MANY THANKS TO ALL THOES WHOM HAVE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY!

1. My pretty aunties and my cousins. Thank you for that expensive lunch and all the angpows. Thank you, Chel for the gift and the trip to you know where and we got lost. Thank you!

2. The TPJCanoeing team. Thank you for all the food that you have made me carry around and the 18 donuts. Thank you, Eunice for the card. Thank you Kahmun for the handcrafted book/card. Thank you WenJie for the stones and cookies.

3. My beloved classmates. Thank you Sab, Sheik, Kamilah for the presents! I loved it. Thank you XinYing for the Chocolates. They were lovely.

4. Cassandra and Qian. Thank you for the presents. It would be funny if we all had the same one!

5. BullionParkers. Thank you for all the well wishes! Even though, May Tan was late. Haha. Daryl was not this year!

In NUTSHELL, thank you thank you thank you. I really appreciated everything! And there is no word/phrase/sentence to express my gratitude.

2008-06-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Father's Day was fun. Okay, I have to admit, wind surfing is actually kinda enjoyable. And, watching my parents fall into the water all the time, ha, PRICELESS! Can you just imagine, my fat father struggling to get back up to the board? The scene is just hilarious. And my mother, stilling on top of the board, too afraid to move. Its so entertaining. If only I had not felt like puking all the while, I would have more fun.

Oh wells, back to case study 7!

2008-06-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Lunch at Carlton, was simply heavenly. The dim sum, oh my. You will never want to leave at all.

Followed by Beef Bonitos at Franky's. Scrumptious.

Bushmen Shrooms at Outback. Sinful. [Thank God, I fled before it was served.]

Dinner at Ding Tai Fung. Totally felt like puking already.

June's cake. OMG. I felt like my stomach was about to burst. The cake was like stucked, at my throat.

I saw the other side of Daryl today. The gentle, considerate, charming side. He finally brought his girlfriend along! I swear, I have never ever seen Daryl behave the way he did today, in our like almost 15 years of friendship.

I bought the dress that I was eyeing for at Miss Selfridge! HAH. I feel satisfied. My next material indulgence would be the Liz bag.

I have no idea how much I spent. But, I sure have enjoyed myself. Now, who says money can't buy happiness?

2008-06-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNE DARL.
You know how much I love you. Thank you for being there 24/7. Nothing can replace you my, darling!

RANDOM RUMBLES.

As the day draws closer, tension piles up around us higher than before. It is just a matter of time before anyone snaps. Needless to say, it is not a pretty scene that anyone would want to see. Neither do I. And, neither would I want to see, myself as the lead character of all that drama.

Marcus thinks that I am the one with the shortest fuse around. I beg to differ. I think its you, Marc. You always know how to piss me off or break me down.

I do keep a huge part of my life to myself. That is because, I would not know how to face anyone, whom knows me entirely. But, I can let you in on a little secret. I enjoy running away from my problems. There, thats it. That is me. LOSER RIGHT.

2008-06-10T04:15:00.000-07:00

The bryan boy, nearly irritated the shit out of me. I was this close to smacking his ass. This close.

As, I did SL today, i wondered to myself. Hey, itsn't it good to be 8 again? Although, most of you might not agree, this is how I feel. I envied those children for being who they are. Behaving in manners that I would never dream of doing so. They have nothing to worry about. Tomorrow, would always be there. Mummy and Daddy would never stop loving me. It is the kinda thing that as you grow older you can't do. Because, you realised that nothing is going to be there forever. You cannot take things for granted anymore. And, you are afraid of losing grip of the things closest to you.

It is the uncertainty in life, something that you realise as you mature that causes the fear within me. Because, now I can never be certain of what is going to happen the next year, tomorrow or the next moment. I cannot tell you that, this is what that is going to happen tomorrow. There are bound to be surprises that are going to spring up from nowhere, catching me off guard and defenceless.

This is why, I want to be 8 again. I want to depend on someone that I have full trust in. To count on that person whenever I'm in trouble.

Something that I would never achieve, now that I'm almost 18.

2008-06-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have stopped sneezing. The running nose is almost gone too, even the watery blotchy eyes. But I feel so much worse! I feel like puking out whatever that goes into my mouth, and I totally lost my appetite for food. Food completely turns me off. Apart from that, every muscle group on my body is aching. Drowsiness from the medicine is taking effect 24/7. I haven't even finish my math work for tomorrow's lesson.

In a nutshell, I feel horrible.

2008-06-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

Between the past year and today, I have survived through many illness. Starting from eye infection to chicken pox. And now, ear infection? hello, the only sense that I have not damaged is my sense of touch. Even my taste buds have failed me.

The buzzing sound in my year is really irritating me. &*@#)(*

I like to believe in the best of people and I forgive. I hope you do too.

We cannot decide on our fates, but we can choose how we want to handle our circumstances.

2008-06-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

As much as I love TPJC, enjoy TPJC, am going to miss TPJC, I CANT WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF IT!

A Levels will be both my release, and my doom days.

Play nice. I might be mean, but i have no malicious intents. I don't bite.

2008-05-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

ever wondered if anything and everything at all is all worth it?

june holidays are here. and im really freaking out. cause it only means that A LEVELS are also drawing closer. tell me that i will study. ensure that i do. wont you?

2008-05-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

it is actually a pretty weird feeling to feel happy and proud of a close friend, yet have a tinge of jealousy, because you are unsure. unsure of what the future holds, unsure if you are able to accomplish what he/she/they have done. then after, comes the guilt part. where you know you should not be feeling that way about your close friend. ( see la Marcus, June, Daryl, Ivan do so well for a levels for what. now i don't know whether to be happy for you all or worried about myself. )

I don't know I don't know I don't know. All I know is that I'm apprehensive of the future.

And I want to win my bet. Watch out Marc and Ivan, bear our bet in mind.

2008-05-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

Insecure. Thats how I feel about my entire life so far. Any harmless little thing can break me.

2008-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

What makes man relationships so special and difficult is the inability to phantom the minds of the other person. If that is then, is that the exact reason why people have to be sensitive towards one another?

But, if. If the person isn't? Then how? How would you protect yourself then? Although, words do not injure one physically. It can and will do emotional damage.

Thus, I conclude that the only way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is to keep a distance away from whatever and whoever. It might seem like I'm building a fence around myself. Like Troy's impregnable fortress with tall walls that could not be breached.

In time to come, I may regret my choice. And somehow along the way, I may grow lonely and unhappy because I don't share. I may even question myself if its all worth it. And, I might just decide that it is not worth it.

However, the only thing I want is to be carefree and exuberant. Things are, nevertheless never going smoothly. They are only pushing me away from what I desire the most. This makes me ponder over what, I cant exactly pinpoint. Maybe, its time for me to move on?

Actually, I think I'm lacking in the third level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

I can never have any type of relationship with anyone. Simply because, I cannot trust anyone. It is not in my capacity to allow someone in my life fully. Because, I do not want to be hurt. I just want to be independent, to be responsible for my own emotions. I want me there as my backup to be enough. I do not want to need anyone for anything.

2008-02-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

my tummy hurts so badly. i think im getting a miscarriage. its been hurting for like three days already.

i dont want to get myself into the mess that my class is heading into now. seriously, if u ask my opinion, everyone is at fault, lets not bother about the exten part. but yes. all at fault. no use arguing bout that. it takes two hands to clap. hahaha. i dont know and i dont want to know.

yes, im apathetic about loads of stuff. so?

i've more to rant. but.

why. why does friction be present where where humans are?

2007-12-30T06:49:00.000-08:00

I wonder what's the reason why people just done learn from the living past experiences of their parents lives. No offence or anything but dont they want to walk out of it? Like have a better life compared to their parents since they have lived through it? This is exactly why people live in VICIOUS cycle of poverty huh. Like since my parents have lived like that, its okay for me to live my life like this too. Seriously, i think in that case all the education u have received have been wasted. Since the fact of education is supposed t widen your knowledge and open your minds hence allowing you to improve on yourselves. Isn't it?

I know for a fact that i won't want to life like my parents. I want a better life, for them, for myself.

2007-12-10T02:17:00.000-08:00

i look back along the past year. and i dont like what i see. be it my actions, behavior or what so ever. because that isnt who i wanted to be.

this is killing my already deprived childhood.

2007-12-05T04:57:00.000-08:00

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one.
But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by.
You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you.
That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You An Easy Girl?

the day i pour my sorrows out on my blog. will be the day. everyone will know me well. but that day will never come. cause not everyone is my bestfriend.

theres a thousand and one things i wanna spill.

2007-11-26T18:51:00.000-08:00

it wasnt your fault the other night when i cried after we quarrelled. its just that i have been holding the tears back for far too long. and i guess. i just couldnt take it anymore. and im totally sorry for being such a jerk.

& guess what. im totally not cut out to work at ritz.

2007-11-24T05:34:00.000-08:00

i realized i've been living in my own world for 17 years. i have not stopped or bothered to stop and care for anyone around me as much as i should have. never. i have been such a self-centered person.

i just realized today that many people around me has problems and difficulties that they face. and in which, if i were in their shoes, i would want someone to offer a helping hand or just listen and let me unload. so, since i have realized, i have decided to help as much as i can. or i would be very much of an asshole wouldn't i?

today's training was horrible. i feel that im getting slower and slower. i aint fit enough. that is a fact. but besides that. i think it was alright. mr chua blew his top at us at the end of the training. in my opinion, its the accumulation of all the little little stuff that totally weighed down today, and today was the limit of his patience? well. we should really be more disciplined.

actually, i have more to say. but yeah. i think that will be all since i cant restrict the viewers to this post.

have a fun week ahead! and think from someone else's viewpoint for a change.

2007-11-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

how true is maslow's hierarchy of needs?

in my opinion, very.
guess what. the more we have, the more we want. it just doesnt stop.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs is often depicted as a pyramid consisting of five levels: the four lower levels are grouped together as deficiency needs associated with physiological needs, while the top level is termed growth needs associated with psychological needs. Deficiency needs must be met first. Once these are met, seeking to satisfy growth needs drives personal growth. The higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus when the lower needs in the pyramid are satisfied. Once an individual has moved upwards to the next level, needs in the lower level will no longer be prioritized. However, if a lower set of needs is no longer being met, the individual will temporarily re-prioritize those needs by focusing attention on the unfulfilled needs. The individual never regresses from one level to a lower one, however. An example of this fact may be a businessman at the esteem level who is diagnosed with cancer. He will spend a great deal of time concentrating on his health (Physiological needs) but would still value his work performance (esteem needs) and is likely to return to work during periods of remission.

2007-11-17T16:39:00.000-08:00

my father says im overly materialistic. well. insisted that is being practical. anyway. i think he has agreed to buy me itouch for christmas. well thats what i think. cause he didnt say no.

food for thought.
heres what happens to you when you receive bad news.

1. anger
2. resentment/ denial
3. acceptance
4. hope for the better

something like that i cant remb entirely.

2007-11-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

its frustrating to be able to realize and spot the problem and yet not be able to do something about it. its hard to just sit still and accept the fact that there is no solution.

2007-11-10T07:01:00.001-08:00

i love my daddy!

2007-11-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

from my point of view, life seems to be terribly unfair towards me. well i wont deny that everyone has their fair share of problems. but mine just seem to be weighing down on me. its like a burden that i am lugging around. and now its so heavy that i even find it difficult to take another step further. maybe its due to the fact that i keeping running away from problems. so they are all accumulating up, suffocating me. every thing is just so unfair. everything.

why do i have to face obstacles that no one else have to? why must i take a bumpy path instead of a smooth one. why. its really taking a toll on me. i rather just have a normal life. i rather be poor and happy. i would give up everything just to be happy. i would.

June, i miss you. i have so much to tell you!

2007-11-09T06:16:00.000-08:00

sometimes i will ask myself. why does God put me, anyone through all these torments and sufferings. when i know the answer myself. cause God is preparing us for something bigger. he wants to test if we are up for it. yadayadayada. i know its kinda rude. but have he ever wondered that. i dont want to be put through all these. i want my peaceful life. i rather it be smooth sailing and plain. i rather not be able to experience joy because i dont experience pain.

because life is never fair. because you wont be able to taste joy without pain. really. tell that to the people that are suffering. they wont find it that amusing.

because life and relationships are so fragile and unpredictable. we should all stop whining and start showing appreciation for all we have. cause maybe then, we will not have regrets.

i have never liked living.

2007-10-26T23:29:00.001-07:00

i need a new blogskin!

2007-10-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

i dont know what to say.

2007-10-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

yay! today is promotional exercise day! which means i do not have to suffer the torment of being in this omg am i going to retain or am i going to promote thing. but i aint sure if i want it this way. do i?

i hate pw. thank god its coming to an end. phew. i hate reading and reading and reading my presentation over and over again! argggggg.

and boyfriend, i thought u were so nice to me la. in the end. haiya. u are such a disappointment. asshole! haha. (fyi: its just a form of address.)

just say it man, im so screwed.

2007-10-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

if i get promoted. wait. when im promoted,

i will i promise, i would mug like hell.

watch out u bloody muggers, im coming to join u all. HAHA.

that is if i get promoted. ya.

there is no conditional promotion. but elvis said that there is moderation!

should i keep my hopes high?

anyway. guess what. im so going to get a psp/ that blue thing that jiawei has. when i have the cash. i just spent like 140 bucks yesterday la. omg.

oh and we finally cleaned up ssc room. ironically, it was jiawei whom found the room too dirty for humans to be in. and he even lifted the sofa to check underneath (he was the one whom wanted to like kick the stuff underneath the sofa the last ime when he offered t help me clean up.). lol. i think its way cleaner now.

and yes! we have water prac tomorrow!

oh and kwek wenjie. u caused me to be late for morning training today!i missed two bus you know! hmm. u owe me lunch?

2007-10-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

a conversation between my dad and i.

dad: so do u save?
me: hmmm. no?

dad: what do u spend your money on?
me: erhs.... (how do u expect me to tell me, um i cab average 4 times a week to school.)

dad: you dont get a small sum of money you know.
me: huh....

dad: i've decided. you should not get so much money at your age, i shall give u less.
me: sobsss........

my dad cut my allowance by 30 bucks can. as quoted from xuekai. how am i ever going to survive? im am not going to cab ever again, unless you know emergencies like exams. and im dinning at foodcourt and hawker centers from next week onwards.

i have no idea how to check the bloody after promos timetable.
i hate technology!

oh btw, i just sub passed everything like overall. equals retain. ahhh. as in i didnt fail promos, but when combined with like mid years and faculty test which i totall screwed it up, obviously i um, fail la. i want to scream!

they shouldnt even call it sub pass. call it fail man.

i need alcohol, baileys maybe?
& i am so looking forward to the 645 training tomorrow. so looking.

2007-10-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

balconys' had a nice atmosphere and really cute waiters.

we should go there more often.

zombie sucked. tasted like cough medicine.

2007-10-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

the air i breathe in taste sweeter.

the world seems like a more pleasant place.

its the calm before the storm.

2007-10-09T00:24:00.001-07:00

disclaimer: this post refers to no one in particular. but if u think im refering to you, then isnt it time to do something about it?

hello elites.
so what if u scored like 250plus for PSLE, gotten like a few stars in your cert and gotten in a better secondary school. hello. wake up call. we got into the same jc didnt we?
so dont give me the im better than u attitude. cause reality check. you are not. we happen to be in the same school. so academic wise. hah. we are in the same league. and comparing that u had a better environment with more resources and opportunitites (you know cause our government is totally bias). and we did like equally well. it only leads me to one conclusion. either im getting smarter or you are getting dumber. so what do u think now, elite?

oh and if you think u deserve to be in the better school, scram. u had a choice and u put TPJC down. so hey. stop whining. make the best out of things!

2007-10-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

its uncanny.
is it just plain innocent coincidence.

or we are just too similar?

2007-10-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

ask me to deduce the shape of compounds.

ask me why the first ionisation energies down the group is decreasing.

ask me the reagents and steps for organic reactions.

ask me about thermo chem.

ask me about bondings.

ask me about ideal gases.

why dont you? i know all these.

i did the entire fucking yellow chem assessment book for goodness sake.

and i still dont know how to do the bloody promo paper.

i just want to curl up and cry.

2007-10-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

as i walked into the hall. i felt as though i was walking into a bed of thorns, where im bound to stumble and fall, then cry.

and i really did.

when i finished the paper, all i wanted to do is to curse and swear.

i can only pray for the best now.

what if.

2007-10-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

i think im about to faint.

2007-09-30T01:26:00.000-07:00

media questions are not easy. media questions are not easy. media questions are not easy. media questions are not easy. media questions are not easy. media questions are not easy.

this was how i got through my gp paper. God bless me.

2007-09-23T05:51:00.000-07:00

there's alot on my mind now.

but i cant seem to place them properly.

when i can, i shall blog then.

2007-09-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

my heart aches. it never healed.

2007-09-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

yesterday marked the start of promos. hm.

never trust guys to clean up.
here's the story.

sebby kicked the ball at my drink, honey milk tea to be exact, and it spilt. guess what. he didnt clean up! so, being the nice person as i am, i decided to clean it up. and mr nice guy jiawei offered to clean the mess on the floor up. i guess he saw how reluctant i was. okay anyway. so after he cleaned up right. i sorta like told him that, hey u know its still kinda dirty. and u know what he did, he kicked the rest of the stuff under the sofa and the table of the ssc room. omg.

reflection time.

never trust a guy to clean up!

im still going to be j1 next year i guess. hm.

2007-09-15T00:57:00.000-07:00

i've decided on this instead. cause its alot cheaper. hm.

2007-09-13T07:10:00.001-07:00

my new love.
cost a alot.

hm.

2007-09-12T03:01:00.000-07:00

saya lemak! makan lagi jagi babi. aku benci carbs. rahhhh.

learning malay was fun! shall take it up after promos!

:]:]

2007-09-10T06:47:00.001-07:00

crumbling under the pressure.

2007-09-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

i think im getting so stressed, im starting to fall apart.

as i look back.
there are many things that i could have done better or could have avoided. i dont deny that sometimes i wish i hadnt done it or wished i did that. hm. but i wouldnt regret my choices, once i have made them. i wont. no matter what. i would still make the same earth shattering decisions. yes.

im so sick. im so sick of staring at math questions and fretting over them. im so sick of crying just because im stumped over a math/ chem/ bio/ econs question. while running is a good subsitute for cutting yourself in the room at night, its not effective enough.

i dont know. i dont care. im blabbering. you can choose not to read. i wouldnt hate you for that.

2007-09-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

i look so horrible in all the pictures amanda sent me. im not going to put any on friendster/ blogger.

eekkyys.

i am seriously growing fat. as in i look fat in the photos. rraahhh. okay. its okay. at least i dont look black. hm.

ah. im fat fat fat. im fat.

2007-08-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

i pray for the day, i wake up, smile and not dread school.

i pray for the day, where my hard work would pay off. where i will stop failing. please. i want to pass promos.

i pray for the day, where i follow my heart and not my head.

i pray for the day, where i will stop crying myself to sleep.

i pray, i pray for that day to be here.

2007-08-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

you know.

when i dont scream shout yell back. it doesnt mean i like it. when i keep quiet about the way you treat me, doesnt mean you can continue treating me like that. when i dont complain, get angry. it doesnt mean im not hurt by your actions. im more upset than angry.

i aint sure if you are treating me as a friend or some spare tyre which i feel like one.

but im sure i deserve better than this.

im not sure why you treat me that way, but im not letting myself to suffer your torment anymore. you are supposed to be my friend. good friend.

i just want to be happy.

you give me one more reason to leave. because it affects me.

i dno. i want to wake up, smile and say yeah. theres school today.

2007-08-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

its so easy to tell when your menses is coming.

i dont regret joining canoe. but i cant help but think of the things i could have been part of. or would still be doing if i wasnt in canoe. like maybemaybe. i could go for the ocip trip in laos. or still be dancing. maybe my grades wouldnt have suffered that badly. constant fights and arguements with my parents could be avoided. i could meet up with cass, qian, june, marc, carina and other people more often. its just that sometimes i question myself. is it worth it? would my sacrifices pay off? maybe not. but since i have already given up so much. a little more wont make the difference will it? or since i have already given up so much its time i put an end to it?

hm. great. now i have a question to ponder for the week.

anw. i spent my hk trip doing induction in the hotel cause of a typhoon which i was dying to witness but didnt. and the other two days was raining. how lucky i didnt spend a single cent.

2007-08-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

having eye infection really stinks.

i have to continuously wipe of those ugly discharge. my eyes can open properly and it has strunk to a quater of my right eye. like RRAAAHHHHHH.

i am totally pissed off cause i have to skip chem fact test yesterday to go see a doctor. i totally studied like way so hard for this test and i had to miss it. as in i know i was going to pass that test!! okay. i know this sounds totally wierd coming from me. but. ya. i really wanted to take the test. and now im stucked at home. and its like the perfect timing for me to get the infection. like im so going to hong kong tomorrow. raaahh. its so wtf right.

okay. im going back to sleep. its actually hard to open my eyes properly.

2007-07-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

was that a tinge of jealous i felt just now?
maybe not.

omg.
i miss cassandra loads. like totally. i totally miss her sitting beside me in class and irritating me by tapping her fingers or her feet cause she is so bored. raahhh. oh wells.

chui waiyin. i will think twice before running with you at night again.
1. its damn scary.
2. when u pick up speed, i dare not lag too far behind BECAUSE ITS SCARY.
3. u torture me.
but i clocked 2 km today already! yippy. 6km left this week!

OKAY. IM GG BACK TO DO ECONS ESSAY. yikes!

2007-07-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

something i saw today got me thinking.

i was a the interchange today, waiting for the bus to my gran's. there i saw a middle aged woman looking at her newly bought pair of faux diamond ear rings. then, i thought to myself. will i be contented if i were her? or would i want more than just that? if a girl like me, at my age. thinks that, no that is not enough. where's the quality in life like this? then. i dont know what. neither am i fit to coment on others lives. but i know, i wont want to live like that.

am i to be blamed for being so materialistic? i dont know.

my next question was. how am i go about achiving the life that i want? a life in comfort and luxury? yes, marry a rich man. but where will i put my pride, spending someone else's money? no. i wont want that. i wont want to be dependent on someone else. like no. so that leaves me with the only route, that is to study hard, get a place in uni, then find a high paying job. right, end of story.

but what if. what if. i dont achive what i set out to do? i wont be able to give my parents the kind of life they have given me. the best. the best of their mights. making sure that i have everything other kids have and sometimes even better. i would want to give them the life they have given me, or even better. but what if things dont go out the way i want them to? they will have to suffer with me throught out their old age wont they? having wasted all their resources on me, when they could have saved for old age. how, then?

2007-07-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

so its finally over. ** a huge sigh of relief.

well we are national 6th. one point away from nationals top 4 tho. and we so rock. with elvis and suzhen coming in 2nd. beating a nj boat. like wa!!!! this shows that. yes we all can do it. YEPP YEPP WE CAN!

this isnt the end tho. it marks a new beginning for us. we will have to train harder, run faster and paddle more. yes. we will and we will beat the rest. yepp.
WATCH TPJC CANOEING TEAM RISE!

&
yesterday was like a really moody day for me. totally pms-ing. i dno. i felt like i was treated like. oh wells i dno. yes. i think its because i was still brooding over the fact that. hey. i could have gotten into finals or put up a tougher fight. but i didnt. oh wells. its done. so yarh. im totally over it now. like totally. SERIOUSLY.

anyway. wednesday ended with a special treat.
COACH DECIDED TO LET US TRY ANY BOAT WE WANTED.
and guess what. i immediately went to grab my raptor. i miss it. like miss miss it. SERIOUSLY. haha. tho it still gives me hideous blueback marks on my thighs.
and i finally gotten to try the c boats. hmm. if the raptor was my first love, the c boat is my true love. HAHA. its super duper fun. and i think im quite zai. at least i got to drift out of the pontoon before i jump off. HAHA. my love. i hope to get on it soon again, keeping my fingers crossed**.
the senior guys used the k4. it was certainly wierd to see guys using the k4 instead of girls. i have to admit tho. they are good. well. maybe. i will get to do k4? haha. i dno. i. i. i think i would want to continue with my k1 1000 tho. come back as a stronger opponent next year. yepp. oh wells. whatever. i will come back as a stronger opponent in which ever event. i will. i will.

wait and see.

2007-07-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

i could have. i seriously could.

i dont know. omg. i capped when i was rowing up to the thousand mark. and that is the WORSE thing to do just before your race. like WORSE WORSE. i was crying all the way up and down the race. and i stoned. i STONED. i didnt start moving till i saw. HEY. THE OTHER BOATS ARE MOVING. omg. seriously. how dumb can i get.
and i cried somemore when i got onshore.

OH WELLS.

i realised im really lucky to be in tpjc. and to hell with mjc and cjc. i like tpjc better. thank god my appeal didnt get through. i have really nice seniors.

thank you gifford.
you are deep. more than i thought what u were. thank you for showing me how lucky i am. thank you for consoling me. thank you for making me laugh. thank you.
thank you kiwi.
thank you for making my days. thank you for ct papers. thank you for teaching me math. thank you for being my punching bag. :)
thanks elvis.
thanks for encouraging me. i dont think i would have made it this far without your encouragement or without you pushing me.
thank you denise and weimin for teaching me bio. without your help, i wouldnt even have that 20 over percent.
i think what im trying to say is. thanks for everything. and im really lucky. i would seriously miss the seniors, all the seniors then they are gone. the team wouldnt be the same without you all.

2007-07-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

omg. omg omg omg omg omg omg.
NATIONALS IS TMR.

WHAT IF.
I CAP?
I COME IN LAST.
I DONT EVEN FINISH THE RACE?
I FORGET TO REPORT?

what if?

tell me i wont. tell me i will make it to the finals. tell me. tell me i can. and that i will finish the race. tell me.

I WILL!!!

&
i saw him today, it doesnt make me feel any better. but much worse.

i need help. i think im suffering from some menal condition.
GOD. SAVE ME.

2007-06-18T04:54:00.000-07:00

i realised i have nothing much to say.

oh wells. my birthday is coming this sat.
PRESENT DEARIES. (esp. u, june tan!)

haha.

2007-06-12T04:36:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNNIE DEAR! hello best friend you owe me my birthday present for 2 years already. but im nice. so i will still buy you one.

HAHA.

kiwi says i have no life cause i only blog about canoe training. ahhh. so i should talk about something else!

I REALISE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT. OMG.

okay. i do have no life.

im going to stop capping soon. i want to join the rest at interval training and and bursting!!! i want i want.

the raptor is my new baby.
muderous raptor.

2007-06-11T04:12:00.000-07:00

i was a contented k2 rower. then POOF* all of a sudden i become a fustrated, unstable, cap-able k1 rower.

today's run sucked. it wasnt my best. i couldnt pick up speed at all. everytime i tried to pick up, all my muscles screamed at me to stop and slow down.

it must be the major monday blues. tuesday should be much better. :]

YIPPY! SEE ME OUT PADDLE THE NJC K1 ROWERS!
im still in lala land.

2007-06-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

was really uoset in the first part of the training. like i kept capping.

ROAR!

but. huijun brightened my day!
YIPPY.

2007-06-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

its a lousy day.

i cant seem to sit straight on a canoe. and its getting to me. like argg. ive been rowing for quite some time now. why. is it still like that?!? no. i must find out whats wrong. and i will!

and guess what. i actually passed maths facutly test. the only thing to brighten my day.

oh wells. i will just have to try harder.

2007-06-04T05:02:00.000-07:00

i havent been blogging like in years.

i miss dancing. like miss miss. im trying cresta tmr. i hope it will turn out well since its the only class that doesnt clash with trg. wish me luck!!

i guess im liking school more and more each day.

well. so the problem obviously lies in me in the beginning. oh wells.

the only thing now is that i must start studying. yes yes. i will. and i will ace the mid years. then u will see jessie choo as the top scorer. YIPPY. I MUST BE DREAMING.

i will train harder. and stop capping.

2007-05-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

I ALWAYS MAKE THE WRONG CHOICES.

WHY.

2007-04-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

i wake up with reluctance.
i take years to put on my uniform.
each step i take from home grows heavier.
why.

2007-04-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

IM WEARING A BAD OVER MY HEAD TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

IM SUPER EMBARSSED.

MONDAY BLUES!

2007-04-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE HAVING LOADS OF FUN. CAUSE THEY ARE IN POLY. OMG. JESSIE. JESSIE. YOU ARE LIKE THE ONLY ONE IN JC.

I SEEM TO BE IN LOVE IN CAPS TODAY.

IM DESIGNING VIOLET'S RUNWAY OUTFIT. YAY. I HOPE WE WIN.

ON THE OTHER HAND. TPJC. IS FUN TOO. WAY FUN.

SEE IM ALRIGHT ALREADY. NOT SO EMO.

IM MAD. DONT WORRY ABOUT ME.

I SO GOT TO CUT MYSELF AWAY AND STOP READING HIS FREAKING EMO BLOG.

IM SO RAMDOM.

ALRIGHT. TUESDAYS ARE GOING TO BE MY RANDOM DAYS THEN.

FIRE DRILL WAS. HAHA. HILARIOUS. I MUST GET THE CLIP AND FEATURE IT ON MY BLOG.

THERE IS A MAJOR BIO TEST ON THURSDAY. ITS CALLED FACULTY TEST. I SO GOT TO GO STUDY. BUT I HATE MUGGING.

SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MY PATHETIC BORING LIFE.

ANS I MISS YOU ALL.

2007-04-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

school's been such a dread. so stressful, my lipids tutorial was BADLY DONE. and i really did it properly la. OMG. im so dead.

ballet exam pics!

ah! i had fun today. with qian and cass. we are like the dynamic trio at ikea!

\

2007-04-08T04:31:00.000-07:00

i felt as though i was out of touch with this world when my com died.

so much have been going on. i just dont know where to begin.

im so sure im going to just pass my ballet exam. SO SURE. LIKE GET 40 MARKS JUST NICE. OR EVEN FAIL!!! oh wells. its all over.

school sucks. im so bloody stressed. i feel like im fu*king retarded or something. wait. i think i am. someone save me. PLEASE.

i like canoe tho. its fun.

and im gg to miss my ballet class. i love you all!!!!

2007-03-27T04:13:00.000-07:00

school's getting much better. although its unbearable without carina, sarah, huiyi and yewjia. i miss you guys!

canoeing is fun. i suggest everyone should join canoeing!!!

im adapting.

thank god.

2007-03-19T02:47:00.000-07:00

i looked like a retainee. hardly any other j1 was in full uniform.

school was fun. better than expected. i was fully prepared to be some loner. met some fun people like kamilla and marin, etc. (im so sorry if i forgotten your name!)

its sorta depressing that there are only like five guys in the class. its well its an improvement from my sec4 class tho.

oh wells. i hope everything will be better tomorrow!

till then, have fun!

2007-03-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

im totally super hyper today. oh wells.

i can never catch lizzy online. so i "stole" the sentosa pictures from her blog! smart move. :]:]

i think the last time i went to sentosa was in 2005? with june, carol, marc, keith, etc.
OR
was it the exco outing where i watched the guys played volleyball. (i totally wasnt included in the game! thanks man.)
i cant remember. oh no.

im basically "baked" from all the tanning i got from sentosa. plus the canoeing training i had the day before. that hongwee even thought i was malay! ah! what an ass. oh wells. the photos!

thats ZION.

oh wells. i have to look good in every picture.

monkeys at sentosa.

us. cam whoring with the sentosa sign. some people missing tho.

adi and sarilla?

lizzy and i?

ZION LIZZY AND I. (lizzy and i had a hard time getting off the bloody sentosa sign.)

unglam shots of me. :[:[

i will miss them!

LASTLY I HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN!

2007-03-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

STUPID BLOGSPOT!

sentosa trip was fun. im still waiting for lizzy to send me the pics tho.

i shall blog about the zoo trip then. HAHA.

on the way to the zoo.

walking through the massive forest!!

some ramdom animals.

some retarded moments.

more retarded moments.

some interesting signs. if u can read them.

and. i actually saw woody at the zoo too!

2007-03-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

canoeing training was TIRING. but fun though. i havent exercised in like 5 months.

running wasnt the part that killed me. it was the five sets of twenty push ups that equals to a hundred push ups. omg. i almost died. then there was weight lifting!!!

oh wells. i like it.

I HAD FUN!
:]:]:]

2007-03-13T03:41:00.000-07:00

i dont know how am i suppose to feel.

i would think myself as inhuman.

i really hope we would still be friends.

i hope canoeing tryouts will be fun. i need some fun.