you know what i cant stand?

i cant stand you telling me how you are going to fail, when hello, you effing know you had not screwed up.

okay, i just need to vent my anger. somewhere.

My brain is so drained. I abhor chemistry. I spent, you know, only two hours on two miserable questions. Yeah.

I've always believed that nothing is impossible as long I put in the effort. But being in a jc, tears apart what I believe. I saw time invested, playtime sacrificed, sleep lost but nothing in return. Maybe, im not working hard in enough. Maybe. But since I have already lost, sacrificed so much, whats a little more?

Happy birthday ivan.

You just reminded me that the bets still on. The only thing that keeps me going. Perrrfect.

Homo sapiens. We are a bunch of highly confused animals. Don't you think so?

I actually have a lot to rant. But my thoughts are so disorganized, it would seem like I'm rumbling. I guess another time, when my brain is not feeling so ecstatic about receiving back prelims papers tomorrow.

Say something nice at my funeral won't you?

I just felt like reposting it.

What makes man relationships so special and difficult is the inability to phantom the minds of the other person. If that is then, is that the exact reason why people have to be sensitive towards one another?

But, if. If the person isn't? Then how? How would you protect yourself then? Although, words do not injure one physically. It can and will do emotional damage.

Thus, I conclude that the only way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is to keep a distance away from whatever and whoever. It might seem like I'm building a fence around myself. Like Troy's impregnable fortress with tall walls that could not be breached.

In time to come, I may regret my choice. And somehow along the way, I may grow lonely and unhappy because I don't share. I may even question myself if its all worth it. And, I might just decide that it is not worth it.

However, the only thing I want is to be carefree and exuberant. Things are, nevertheless never going smoothly. They are only pushing me away from what I desire the most. This makes me ponder over what, I cant exactly pinpoint. Maybe, its time for me to move on?

I can never have any type of relationship with anyone. Simply because, I cannot trust anyone. It is not in my capacity to allow someone in my life fully. Because, I do not want to be hurt. I just want to be independent, to be responsible for my own emotions. I want me there as my backup to be enough. I do not want to need anyone for anything.

Ask not what your friends would do for you, but what you would do for your friends.

I recall saying, 'Given a second chance, I would do things another way, a different way.' How true is that exactly? I have been given second chances before. Take the advancement from JC1 to JC2 for an example. I told myself, if I were to be advanced, I would put in DOUBLE the effort in my studies. And, that did not happen.

Daddy, was giving me a prep talk over dinner. As much as he says, its okay as long you have tried your best, I can tell that he really wishes for me to do well and get into a university. Partly because he wants me to finish something that he has always wanted to achieve but never got to. And because, he wants me to do well, because he is my father.

How guilty can I be? So guilty, that it would be my drive towards acing the A Levels? Time will tell.

Jelly, asked me some questions today that really got me thinking.
How well do I actually know my friends and understand them? Actually, do I even make the effort to? What kind of person am I?
It also reminded me of somethings I never want to recall ever again. Never. I'm actually quite okay to talk about it, but I would not tell you what happened. There are somethings, that I am unable to face with yet. Maybe one day, when I can talk about it openly, I would be a happier person.

My choice. My responsiblity.

To my dearest friend, WenJie: Happy Belated Eighteen!

Its been a while.

Don't you think that life is just like a theater production? A show put up to please one another (people watching, celebrations, etc.), ourselves or perhaps the almighty one above. I was in math tutorial today, when I realised this disappointing reality of life. Looking at Mrs Koh, I felt as though, I was in a play, with Mrs Koh, doing this one lady show. Trying her entire best, to engage us in her act. I don't mean anything mean though.

Why do we prepare to go to school. Why do we sit for exams? Because it would ensure us better roles in future plays? Starring Jessie Choo as the medicine undergraduate. Starring Jessie Choo as the Cardiologist. But, there won't be an end to it will there? Why can't we be contented being seventeen? And stop there? Oh. Hold on. I just turned eighteen. Fantastic. It is not realistic, because, time won't stop. Not for any one for that matter. So I know, that it is not discriminating against me. Thank God.

Given a second chance, i would have done things another way. A different way. But, the problem is that second chances hardly surfaces. Another lesson learnt, do not do anything rash. Think before you act, Jessie.

I am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. It would have and will help if you were there, like you were before.

i can't open some browser just because im using a mac. it says, please use internet explorer instead. wtfffffff.

screw it man. im going to bed.

its scary how things all end so fast. it seems like just yesterday that i chanced upon the tpjcanoeing poster around school and decided to try out.

it has ended. my canoeing career. all the effort, time have all gone up in smoke. have it?

it just kills me to know that, even though we gave our best. best, we still didnt make it, we still ended up slower than what? srjcanoeing? OMG. that i cannot accept. what the fuck? we are that effing slow?

whatever. its the end. thank God.

im relieved that i dont have to put up with things that i have been putting up with. seriously.

THANK GOD.

I'm feeling pretty emotional today. However, i cannot seem to organise my thoughts well enough to express myself in words. Nevertheless, i shall give it a shot.

We celebrated Mr. Chua's thirty-seven birthday today. The entire senior team was present in full strength. lt is a rare ocassion that everyone would be there to bless us with their presence, because some people would always miraculously vanish right after training.

One. I really enjoyed the feeling of being in a team where we press on and push each other towards a common goal. It is something that i did not exactly experience in chinese dance, or students' council. There was too much politics for my liking. As i soaked into tonight's fun and laughter, questions popped out at the back of my mind. 

How many more gatherings like this are going to happen in the future? Are we even going to be in contact anymore after we graduate? Would we turn into strangers we would not even say Hi to on the streets. Would friendships that we have just go up into smoke?

What exactly does the future have installed for us?

Thats it, I'm not only a loser, I'm also a pessimist.

We are all moving too fast forward, stop and take a good look around you. You would realise that things are not the way you've remembered, or thought they were to be.

I was staring out of the window on bus 36 today, on my way to meet my parents for dinner. Strangely, nothing seemed familiar to me. I can might as well be in Hong Kong. Though it was nothing to the extreme of being alien, but it just did not seem like home. It is not just the new physical surroundings. How long has it been since you have taken a good look at your parents. A good long while isn't it? Daddy looked like he has put on 20 years worth of wrinkles and half a head full of white hair. He also no longer has that huge appetite for food that I inherited. Mummy has also put on her fair share of wrinkles, minus the white hair. She has the weary look worn on her face. My parents are growing old, aging. Are yours? (The expensive products, facials that my parents go for are so not working.)
What have you done, I done to cause the crease on their foreheads, what have I done to lessen their worries?


Here are the Steps taken by the Choo Family in times of Inflation.

Mr Choo- 1. Dine in places without GST, service tax.
2. Apply for memberships at stores.
3. Indulge in expensive watches.

Mrs Choo- 1.Buy in-house brands at supermarkets.
2. Ensure that daughter does not tag along during grocery shopping.
3. Keep coupons.
4. Buy expensive treads for knitting.

Miss Choo- 1. Keep ATM card at safely at home.
2. Take lesser taxis. Or at least try to.
3. Shop more during GSS.


MANY MANY THANKS TO ALL THOES WHOM HAVE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY!

1. My pretty aunties and my cousins. Thank you for that expensive lunch and all the angpows. Thank you, Chel for the gift and the trip to you know where and we got lost. Thank you!

2. The TPJCanoeing team. Thank you for all the food that you have made me carry around and the 18 donuts. Thank you, Eunice for the card. Thank you Kahmun for the handcrafted book/card. Thank you WenJie for the stones and cookies.

3. My beloved classmates. Thank you Sab, Sheik, Kamilah for the presents! I loved it. Thank you XinYing for the Chocolates. They were lovely.

4. Cassandra and Qian. Thank you for the presents. It would be funny if we all had the same one!

5. BullionParkers. Thank you for all the well wishes! Even though, May Tan was late. Haha. Daryl was not this year!

In NUTSHELL, thank you thank you thank you. I really appreciated everything! And there is no word/phrase/sentence to express my gratitude.

Father's Day was fun. Okay, I have to admit, wind surfing is actually kinda enjoyable. And, watching my parents fall into the water all the time, ha, PRICELESS! Can you just imagine, my fat father struggling to get back up to the board? The scene is just hilarious. And my mother, stilling on top of the board, too afraid to move. Its so entertaining. If only I had not felt like puking all the while, I would have more fun.

Oh wells, back to case study 7!

Lunch at Carlton, was simply heavenly. The dim sum, oh my. You will never want to leave at all.

Followed by Beef Bonitos at Franky's. Scrumptious.

Bushmen Shrooms at Outback. Sinful. [Thank God, I fled before it was served.]

Dinner at Ding Tai Fung. Totally felt like puking already.

June's cake. OMG. I felt like my stomach was about to burst. The cake was like stucked, at my throat.


I saw the other side of Daryl today. The gentle, considerate, charming side. He finally brought his girlfriend along! I swear, I have never ever seen Daryl behave the way he did today, in our like almost 15 years of friendship.

I bought the dress that I was eyeing for at Miss Selfridge! HAH. I feel satisfied. My next material indulgence would be the Liz bag.

I have no idea how much I spent. But, I sure have enjoyed myself. Now, who says money can't buy happiness?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNE DARL.
You know how much I love you. Thank you for being there 24/7. Nothing can replace you my, darling!



RANDOM RUMBLES.

As the day draws closer, tension piles up around us higher than before. It is just a matter of time before anyone snaps. Needless to say, it is not a pretty scene that anyone would want to see. Neither do I. And, neither would I want to see, myself as the lead character of all that drama.


Marcus thinks that I am the one with the shortest fuse around. I beg to differ. I think its you, Marc. You always know how to piss me off or break me down.


I do keep a huge part of my life to myself. That is because, I would not know how to face anyone, whom knows me entirely. But, I can let you in on a little secret. I enjoy running away from my problems. There, thats it. That is me. LOSER RIGHT.

The bryan boy, nearly irritated the shit out of me. I was this close to smacking his ass. This close.


As, I did SL today, i wondered to myself. Hey, itsn't it good to be 8 again? Although, most of you might not agree, this is how I feel. I envied those children for being who they are. Behaving in manners that I would never dream of doing so. They have nothing to worry about. Tomorrow, would always be there. Mummy and Daddy would never stop loving me. It is the kinda thing that as you grow older you can't do. Because, you realised that nothing is going to be there forever. You cannot take things for granted anymore. And, you are afraid of losing grip of the things closest to you.

It is the uncertainty in life, something that you realise as you mature that causes the fear within me. Because, now I can never be certain of what is going to happen the next year, tomorrow or the next moment. I cannot tell you that, this is what that is going to happen tomorrow. There are bound to be surprises that are going to spring up from nowhere, catching me off guard and defenceless.

This is why, I want to be 8 again. I want to depend on someone that I have full trust in. To count on that person whenever I'm in trouble.

Something that I would never achieve, now that I'm almost 18.

Yes, I have stopped sneezing. The running nose is almost gone too, even the watery blotchy eyes. But I feel so much worse! I feel like puking out whatever that goes into my mouth, and I totally lost my appetite for food. Food completely turns me off. Apart from that, every muscle group on my body is aching. Drowsiness from the medicine is taking effect 24/7. I haven't even finish my math work for tomorrow's lesson.

In a nutshell, I feel horrible.

Between the past year and today, I have survived through many illness. Starting from eye infection to chicken pox. And now, ear infection? hello, the only sense that I have not damaged is my sense of touch. Even my taste buds have failed me.

The buzzing sound in my year is really irritating me. &*@#)(*

I like to believe in the best of people and I forgive. I hope you do too.

We cannot decide on our fates, but we can choose how we want to handle our circumstances.

As much as I love TPJC, enjoy TPJC, am going to miss TPJC, I CANT WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF IT!

A Levels will be both my release, and my doom days.


Play nice. I might be mean, but i have no malicious intents. I don't bite.

ever wondered if anything and everything at all is all worth it?

june holidays are here. and im really freaking out. cause it only means that A LEVELS are also drawing closer. tell me that i will study. ensure that i do. wont you?

it is actually a pretty weird feeling to feel happy and proud of a close friend, yet have a tinge of jealousy, because you are unsure. unsure of what the future holds, unsure if you are able to accomplish what he/she/they have done. then after, comes the guilt part. where you know you should not be feeling that way about your close friend. ( see la Marcus, June, Daryl, Ivan do so well for a levels for what. now i don't know whether to be happy for you all or worried about myself. )

I don't know I don't know I don't know. All I know is that I'm apprehensive of the future.

And I want to win my bet. Watch out Marc and Ivan, bear our bet in mind.

Insecure. Thats how I feel about my entire life so far. Any harmless little thing can break me.

What makes man relationships so special and difficult is the inability to phantom the minds of the other person. If that is then, is that the exact reason why people have to be sensitive towards one another?

But, if. If the person isn't? Then how? How would you protect yourself then? Although, words do not injure one physically. It can and will do emotional damage.

Thus, I conclude that the only way to prevent yourself from getting hurt is to keep a distance away from whatever and whoever. It might seem like I'm building a fence around myself. Like Troy's impregnable fortress with tall walls that could not be breached.

In time to come, I may regret my choice. And somehow along the way, I may grow lonely and unhappy because I don't share. I may even question myself if its all worth it. And, I might just decide that it is not worth it.

However, the only thing I want is to be carefree and exuberant. Things are, nevertheless never going smoothly. They are only pushing me away from what I desire the most. This makes me ponder over what, I cant exactly pinpoint. Maybe, its time for me to move on?

Actually, I think I'm lacking in the third level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

I can never have any type of relationship with anyone. Simply because, I cannot trust anyone. It is not in my capacity to allow someone in my life fully. Because, I do not want to be hurt. I just want to be independent, to be responsible for my own emotions. I want me there as my backup to be enough. I do not want to need anyone for anything.

my tummy hurts so badly. i think im getting a miscarriage. its been hurting for like three days already.

i dont want to get myself into the mess that my class is heading into now. seriously, if u ask my opinion, everyone is at fault, lets not bother about the exten part. but yes. all at fault. no use arguing bout that. it takes two hands to clap. hahaha. i dont know and i dont want to know.

yes, im apathetic about loads of stuff. so?

i've more to rant. but.

why. why does friction be present where where humans are?